Another effing setback...

Part 2 from yesterday's post.

Man...I am so so sick of myself!

I took my time getting home, played some chill music on my ipod on my way home to get myself in a good headspace, walked in the door and BAM!!! I am greeted by a junkie jonesing and an alcoholic half in the bag. Still, I tried really really hard to keep my composure...but I was doomed to fail.

My husband kept taunting me, my son pacing, I could feel my tension begin to build. I took an atavan and tried to stay calm...but I wasn't successful. I flipped out a bit and then took off for a breather so I didn't flip out even more. While I was out, I made the mistake of answering my phone. It was my husband egging me on, creating drama, telling me he had my son's dealer coming to our home to confront him. Seriously? He's half in the bag and he thinks this is the best way to solve the "issue at hand"? I became quite concerned that my husbands half-witted attempts to set this guy straight would result in our son being in serious harms way...you don't know who these dealers are? At minimum they aren't reasonable or safe people.

I raced home and threw money at my son and said just get it over with...go get high. Then I threw money at my husband and told him to go away, go to a bar, just get out...Only my son left, my husband just did a berr run and came back to torment me.What a fucked up way to solve a problem. I am such a mental case.

I barely slept from anger, stress and anxiety. Before I left this morning for work I left them a shared note. I said I was leaving them both this weekend if this house didn't sober up. I think it's time. I'm in danger of hurting myself if I stay in those circumstances. I had thoughts of suicide again last night, I was contemplating what a box cutter might feel like if I dragged it across my throat...screwed up thinking, right?

I might just need to do what I said...just go away. I need a hero and the only one looking at me is me...so maybe I have to be my own hero?  There is no prince charming, there is nobody coming to rescue me, there is no "high road". There's just choices and it all comes down to making one.

A good day

I'm feeling pretty good at the moment even though both my addicts are "using" today. Isn't that great progress? I decided to have a good day and not worry about them!!!

I do have a bit of a pain in my stomach wondering what my night might look like,but I am not going to focus on that...that is just simply suffering over a problem that I don't yet have.

I'm not a victim

I'm still working really hard on self-awareness, personal responsibility and my own identity. Interestingly, it has felt quite freeing. I look inwards, not outwards as to why I'm not feeling good at a particular moment on any particular day.

I am looking at my life much lime embarking on a weight loss program. To loose weight, it all comes down to calories in vs calories out...if you burn more calories than you consume, you will loose weight, right? You can achieve this by reducing what food you eat, make better food choices, exercise more, etc...pretty simple right?

So, I'm trying to loose some emotional weight. I need to intake more positive emotional experiences than I expend in order to loose emotional weight. I am not looking across the room and blaming my bad day on what negative experiences other people are creating, I am looking at creating the happy ones for me. At the moment, it seems to be working but I have to be super careful about what interactions I let come into my head. An example of a test I had this morning was talking to my husband. Sitting there talking to him over morning coffee, we often run the gamut of topics. In his mind, because I have been emotionally unavailable (wonder why?), it made perfect sense that he should seek out a relationship with someone else. Seriously? Typical addict, they want to create the chaos and blame someone else for why they "had" to make the poor choices they did.

This was a great exercise for me. Much like being passed a giant piece of chocolate cake, I had to turn down the opportunity to devour that experience. If I had gotten into it, I would have felt bad about myself, felt the hopelessness of trying to convince him of the flaw in that thinking and gone back into feeling like I was victimized. Fuck him. He is welcome to create any type of relationship he wants with anybody he wants, but he will eventually need to deal with the consequences. One of those consequences is that I may one day apply that logic right back to him. He hasn't got the first clue how lonely it is to be with a guy like him. He sucks up all the emotional energy in a room and he isn't ever there for me. Or...the other potential consequence is that I'm just not that interested in him anymore. Or...that he creates a dynamic he can't get himself out of? I have no idea what the consequences will be, but there will be some eventually. That is just how the universe works.

Oops, I digressed. The point I'm trying to make is that I'm creating happier experiences for myself. I went out with my friends the other night, I drank nice wine, ate nice food, and enjoyed being around people who like me. It felt good and I want to feel more good feelings like those. While that may sound small and insignificant, it has been a couple of years since I did that. I have been cocooning myself in trauma and drama, cut off from the world. I am beginning to peek out of this sadness to see what's out there.

Personal Analysis

I'm thinking quite a bit about why I stay in this vortex I call my life. They say that we only repeat behaviour if we benefit somehow. Clearly I must be benefiting on some level...but what level could that be?

The best thing I can come up with, if I'm really, really honest with myself (and you of course) is that acting the role of victim and martyr must provide me with some sense of purpose, identity and attention.

My husband especially, and my son in recent years, have all treated me very poorly. They say crude things, lie, steal, cheat, completely disrespect who I am in their lives (wife / mother). They do this over and over again and I just try harder to be what they want me to be, or what I think they ought to be...

Perhaps if I were not to be so busy with this drama and chaos, it would become imminently clear that I am not much more than a puff of smoke in this universe. I would have no higher purpose (my addicts NEED me to control damage, pay bills, provide food and stability...and so on, right?) in my day to day existence. I would just wake up each morning, feed my cat, drink my coffee, go off to my job, come home and watch TV, and repeat each day. I hope you are noting my own personal sarcasm...seriously, they don't really need shit from me. It would appear that I need them a lot more to validate my own existence than they need from me.  If I weren't there to do those thing, they would find another way. It is really that simple.

If I weren't constantly comparing myself with these dysfunctional characters, I would really have to evaluate myself based on my own merit, not as a comparison to something else. If I weren't there to do those thing, they would find another way. It is really that simple. What excuse could I possibly have to justify the ways in which I have behaved?

So, the hard question is what hard work am I going to have to do to create an identity for myself, a healthy sense of self / purpose and a do I really have the strength of character to see this change through? Or...would I just prefer to keep whining about what somebody else is doing to me? Which one provides me with the true benefit and which one just gives me an easy fix?

Hmmm...some things to consider.

Not dead yet

I'm still here...hanging in. One minute at a time. Nothing tragic to report in the last couple of days. I feel a bit like I'm stabilizing emotionally. I'm not really sure though. Every meltdown I have catches me by surprise and its intensity shocks me. I'm sure one is just around the corner.

I have only spoken to my son once in 7 days. His presence gives me chills of pain and sadness. The person who taught him to inject has reappeared in his life, calling our house. If there is one person on this earth I think I could actually kill, it would be him. He is patient zero in the decimation of my family. For months after I found out about my son's habit, I would drive my car around the neighborhood looking for this person...stalking him, hoping to hurt him. I never found him, I had hope he died or left town. Looks like cockroaches have persistence.

I don't even know what to do about my husband. He seems insane to me. His touch makes my skin crawl, his words feel like insincere lies, his face seems entirely unfamiliar. I wish for awful things on him too. Yet...still I am intoxicated by him.

So, even though everything has changed, everything is still exactly the same...just plain sick. 

Wedding ring truth

Last night I came home from work, my husband bitter, demanding that EVERYTHING MUST CHANGE, ONLY THE TRUTH IS ACCEPTABLE!!! He badgered, bullied, and I just ignored him.
I went to bed, slept alright and he left for work today...the work where his mistress is. He called in sick yesterday and didn't go in and I had a feeling he either quit or got let go. I guess I was wrong...he was just avoiding it.

I tried to control my anxiety and insecurity about him going to work where "she" is...and I did OK. He left and I didn't show any emotion. About 2 hours later, I realized he left his wedding ring here. Nice huh? Who needs to tell the truth? Me? It feels so shitty. She is 12 years younger than me...and I'm not even that old. She's pudgy and an ex-meth user. She has 3 small children and a husband of her own. So, that package has more to offer than me. I know I'm not the first wife to feel this way but it kind of feels like he sucked up the best years of my life and when the weight of time / problems / life / etc... started to take it's toll on me, I became so unworthy of even fidelity. However, I am useful enough to provide a vehicle, pay all the bills, groceries, cigarettes, fuel,  and so on...He's got a pretty good arrangement going, doesn't he?

Well, fuck it. Two can play this game.

Mayday! Mayday!

I don't know how to turn back time, un-ring a bell or have any idea where to even begin to put this shattered family back together.

My family is made up of 4 individuals who are each struggling in their own way. It would seem that we all display the following traits:

• Liar
• Angry
• Intolerant
• Physically / Emotionally / Verbally abusive
• Disloyal 
• Not accountable for our actions
• Self victimizes
• Insensitive
• Addictive (heroin, alcohol, food, rage)
• Denier
• Fearful
• Anxious

So, how does one go about fixing this? Is this family even salvageable? I see history repeating itself.

Do I just abandon ship and save myself, save them from me? Do I stay on the sinking ship because I am a captain? My children were born perfect, I was a key influencer to fuck them up. I can't solely blame addiction on where things have ended up. I have a role, maybe a much bigger one than I ever thought.

When my mother got pregnant with me she was a teenager. My grandmother hated and resented the shame that it brought on their upper middle class military family. I was never accepted by her, she died ignoring me. Just my existence has been a blight on my family's existence. My father never wanted me and I don't think my mother ever loved me. What do I do about this? I never had any say on being born? I didn't mean to ruin so many lives, I didn't mean to fuck up my kids. I didn't mean to be all the awful things I have become. How to I change this? 

Shadow

...and still it gets more painful.

I came home last night to find my husband passed out on the couch, cigarette buts on the carpet, empty vodka bottle, kitchen trashed, plates and half eaten food everywhere, my son nowhere to be seen. I decided to take an Atavan (first time ever) and try to be low key. My emotions couldn't take much more and I was just trying to avoid any confrontation of any sort. I quietly sat in the bedroom, TV on the lowest volume and hid.

About an hour later my husband woke up and began fighting with me, so drunk he couldn't stand up. He then called me a fat unattractive pig that nobody wants. After that jab, he picked up the phone and called his mistress. I decided to pick up and listen in...it broke my heart. I heard them chatting like lovers.

I hung up the phone, packed my bag and left. I tried to reach my daughter to stay at her house but she had plans (I'm paying a dear price for asking her for help..I should never have called her). I had nowhere to go. I walked into the hospital emergency room and they said they were full, would take at least 7 hours to see someone. I left, again with nowhere to go. "The only place I could think of to go was  back to my apartment building and in the "games" room. I slept there last night, in the basement of my apartment, in the common room. Homeless, my entire family turned on me. I have never felt more alone in my entire life. My husband emotionally abusing me, my daughter turning her back on me and my son...well, nothing actually, he could care less if I was dead. Not even the hospital would help me.

So, at the end of the day, what is left? The addicts get to have / do whatever they want and I am the one who breaks down. I really don't matter to my community, to my family and I basically have no real friends. I am invisible and have no value or worth to this world. I am just a shadow. Seriously, without sounding overly dramatic...would it really matter if I were to die today? Nobody really wants me around anyways.  

Just when I thought I was feeling better...

I saw my son after 3 days of peace and I lost it on him. I am fucking certifiable. I can't even tell you how bad it was, I'm so ashamed and our relationship is irrevocably destroyed, on both sides. For his own safety, he must leave.

 I told my husband I wanted to go to the hospital, check myself in and he got angry at me. Who gets angry at someone for saying they need a psychiatric intervention?

I'm so fucked on so many levels and my home is like something off a shock-reality TV show.

Bearing witness

I'm still reflecting, trying my very best to keep my wits about me and literally take it one moment at a time. Several times over the past 3 days I have set mini-goals for myself. Stuff as simple as "I am not going to loose it for the next 90 minutes". Taking such small steps have actually given me 2 1/2 days of peace and even a bit of joy.

A lot of what has consumed my thoughts and was even the reason I started this blog was because I was really stuck in my suffering. Why me? How can they do that to me? How can they not want better? What did I do to deserve this? And so on...all of these questions about my own suffering. I  have been really stuck in self-victimization. Asking myself these questions over and over again were self-perpetuating. Seeing that family running after the addicts in the street from my building the other day was such a changing moment. It took me a couple of days to process what it meant to me but in the end, I realized that none of this is being done to me, while I may be suffering many consequences as a result of my addicts actions, they aren't doing it to me. There are really so many of us...families and loved ones of addicts. For every one of them, I'm certain there is at least 3 of us...I wasn't singled out because I am not a worthy person.

Last night, after a really lovely day, I saw a segment on 60 minutes. It was about the Lost Boys of the Sudan. There were 4000 innocent young boys and men who had suffered inexplicable indignities and inhumanity. Their parents were murdered, their villages destroyed, starving, dying, and more. They walked 1000 miles to get a second chance at life, more than half died along their journey from malnutrition and exhaustion. The story did a recap of what it was like when they boarded the planes to the united states, and then 12 years later...what were they doing, feeling, etc. The one that hit me the deepest was the one who had faith in God. He said that even though everyone and everything had left him, God never did. He profoundly felt that his experience, his journey and his suffering was so that someone could "bear witness".

I can't even tell you how his statement, how he made sense of all the terribleness, violence and sufferening just by accepting that his higher purpose was to bear witness. I felt like a puzzle piece just clicked in my head and that everything suddenly made sense. I still don't believe in God but I don't need to. I believe that everything that lives on this earth has it's own inherent purpose.Possibly my purpose is to bear witness to two addicts suffering and to observe how it affects me. If it affects me in all sorts of insane and desperate ways, surely there are others like me.

Maybe my higher purpose is to coordinate or offer some comfort to those who are hurting like me? Maybe there is a way to survive this and that something good can come from us? Not by doing the same old crap, like creating obstacles for our addicts, managing our addicts, retaliating against our addicts, etc...but really digging in deep and wrapping our arms around ourselves?

I don't know, maybe I'm still crazy...maybe I'm seeing something that isn't really there but I do see necessity as the mother of invention, and I really feel that comfort and organized support for the families of the addicts is a genuine necessity out there. Something that isn't affiliated with churches and doesn't cost $170/hour?  Plus, it helps to have a purpose...something to work towards.

That's all for now...I plan on doing my best to continue to make this a good day.

What I am discovering

I reread all my blog posts, and had a good cry. I have been contemplating suicide over the past week, mostly thinking of fast, quick ways to die that don't leave a mess. I was thinking a lot about hanging myself off our balcony. My mind and heart have gotten so sick and desperate.  Last night s I tried to identify what I am feeling, what are the root feelings. I came to a few conclusions.

1. I really can't stand who I've become. Bitter, sad, suspicious, angry, desperate, controlling.
2. I feel very very alone, yet off my balcony last night I saw a whole family trying to intervene on a crack addicted daughter in our building. I wanted to run down to that mother and tell her I understand...she isn't alone. 
3. I live in a constant state of fear, about everything. 
4. While it is not my fault what has happened, I must change drastically or I am just simply part of the problem. Life must go on. I can't keep waiting for someone to "choose me".

I made myself a promise today - I promised I would go to an Al Anon meeting again. I need friends and a community to feel warmth, love and safety. I know they can give me that and I need help coming up with a strategy to get better. So off I went at 9am this morning, and I'm so glad I did. I really liked that group. Today the topic was step 4.

Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

As people in the group did their readings and shared a little, tears just quietly streamed down my face as they talked about loving myself, being kind to myself and finding loving detachment  from my addicts. I realized at that moment how ashamed I am of how I have been acting. I have been so cruel and controlling and judgmental. I have shamed and isolated and blamed them for everything I feel and do. I have taken no responsibility for myself or my actions.  I'm not at step 4 but I sure need to get there, and to get there, I need to get a handle on step 1 - We admitted we were powerless over addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable. I am there...I am powerless. 

I then looked up a daily meditation for AA and it was as if it was meant for me, today of all days. It is one of those areas that I have experienced constantly...and it was certainly very relative to step 4.

DISLOYALTY

I have a history of chaotic relationships filled with destructive drama and a lack of loyalty. For many years, however, I believed that I was in fact a very loyal friend – and that it was my friends who were disloyal to me.

I was an avid -- even rabid -- people-pleaser. I drove myself crazy trying to figure out what people wanted and how I could best provide that for them. Because I thought I knew what was best for everybody, I failed to truly listen to the people in my life. Instead, I tried to impose my will upon them…then I wondered why they didn’t appreciate all of my efforts on “their” behalf. When they inevitably became frustrated with me, I was wounded by what I perceived to be their lack of loyalty to me.

Only recently in my recovery program have I come to learn that my efforts at people-pleasing were actually symptoms of my own disloyalty. I was failing to relate with people as they are – rather I was relating to them as I thought they “should be”. That is perhaps the most egregious form of disloyalty…insisting that others be loyal to my concept of them and myself.

Now I am taking steps to honestly listen to people and to relate with them as they are – and as I truly am. I am no longer hiding behind food. In order to be loyal in my relationships, I must be loyal to the ‘Truth of Reality.’ Only then can we share the joy of faithful relationships.

One day at a time ... I will practice listening to the people in my life and I will honor them as they are. Each day I can choose to be loyal, rather than critical or people-pleasing.

 Just by going to Al Anon, today was a better today. I know I am going to struggle with the God thing, but there is a greater purpose and they have what I want - peace, love and some order to their minds. I don't feel suicidal today.

Lies to fix lies to fix lies

I feel manic, I literally didn't sleep a wink last night and I'm at work right now in a fog. I'm dizzy, nauseous, super quiet. There is such a physical impact from living under such stressful circumstances.

This morning my husband tried to tell me he lied when he confessed. I got teary and told him that it doesn't really matter, the whole situation just doesn't pass the smell test. It's inappropriate and totally disrespectful. He doesn't remember much of what he said or did last night.

I plan to leave work early to go home and get some rest once he is gone. I'm not taking his calls, I don't want to see him or speak to him. I don't want to see my son or speak to him either. I just want this all to be over. There are moments when I feel almost suicidal...or maybe I am just looking for some kind of lasting relief from this ongoing drama, trauma and addiction cycle. Weirdly, I sometimes wonder if you can't beat'em, join'em doesn't apply here?

Will this ever get better?

I am still awake, there was so much drama last night. I was acutely aware that if it's not one addict creating drama, it's the other. I was lucky enough to get a double-whammy last night.

Sometime while I was at work my husband and my son got into a confrontation while both had been using their drug of choice. I'm not really sure what happened, I was at work but I did get calls from both of them. I'm sure the truth lies somewhere in between the two stories. Does the truth even really matter?

I also confirmed that my husband does have something going on with another woman. To what extent, I don't really know but I confronted him about it. Then I called her. She hung up on me and so I left her a voice message to give me a call. No sense avoiding the truth. I don't blame her any more than I blame him. Cheaters are parasites. Come to think of it, so are addicts.

I don't know who to turn to or how to even begin to process all this. I know my blog sounds like a victim impact statement and I just don't even know how to change this. I clearly have serious attachment issues.

Who I am

My son returned late Friday night from seeing his girlfriend. I was mistaken about when they had the abortion, it was in fact on Thursday. It would appear that my son is dealing with tremendous guilt, sadness, regret. He has over-informed himself with information and is feeling like he allowed her to murder their baby. He let all of this out, in waves of tears, completely wasted on heroin. I tried to listen, hold him and give him some advice on grief and acceptance.

Then, after he calmed down, just as my husband and I were going to leave to go to a movie, he flipped out weeping, hysterical and desperate to get some money to do something with his girlfriend. I can't even tell you how dramatic and tearful he was, and to me at least, it was clear that this reaction was drug fueled. He just wanted to get more drugs. Very sad, very desperate. I didn't give him the money and left for the movie, trying to not give in to the drama of the situation.

That detachment came back to bite me several hours later. I lost it on my husband, veiled in jealousy. Faking detachment doesn't always work....you feel what you feel. It has become really, really apparent to me that I am suffering from a major depression. I am taking medication but it doesn't seem to be cutting it. I sleep for 8, 9, 10 hours a night and am still exhausted. I'm difficult and over sensitive. I am mistrustful, a tad paranoid, and never, ever joyful. I have no sex drive, I just want to be alone, I am having some memory issues too. Oh, and I have this phantom pain in my back. There is no real cause for it, I didn't injure myself but it is painful and present all the time. Sounds like clinical depression to me. I am so angry at myself for not being able to get a handle on my emotions.

Fuck, I really suck at life and being the hero that this situation calls for. What a total failure I am as a wife, mother and person. I am really just a waste of air and skin. I add nothing positive, I am simply a co-dependent enabler. I have done nothing to make this world a better place.

Letting go of hope

I'm still on track with not trying to manage my addicts. I feel like I'm in my own recovery program oddly enough. The way I'm counting it, I'm on day 10.

My son has left to visit his girlfriend at school for about 4 days. It feels good not to constantly keep vigil over my belongings. I left my car keys out last night and left my purse on the kitchen table for most of the evening.

My husband is doing 2 days off work, not sure what that will look like...will he drink today? Maybe. I gotta stay focused and not worry about what he will or won't do. I also need to really get comfortable in my head and heart that he may be seeing someone else, that he may just not like spending time with me, and that things may irrevocably be different now. Maybe too much has happened, maybe my dream of a sober husband is never really going to materialize?  Maybe more than detachment, I need to really learn to let go...

A lot to think about.

A wonderful thing just happened

There is much about my past that I haven't bothered sharing, this blog mostly serves a purpose to process my experience of living with and loving two addicted men. However...something really small and wonderful just happened in my life and I have nobody to share it with. My addicts are nowhere to be found, so I choose you to tell.

I never knew my biological father, I found him once nearly 30 years ago, just to see what he looked like. He never bothered to stay in touch with me, so I never looked again. My father had another child though, I found that out many  years later. He is six years younger than me and I have never met him. I looked and looked and looked for him, and then I found him on Facebook. That was 2 years ago. I wrote him immediately and tried not to freak him out. He responded to my email and then I never heard from him again. I think he just had no sense of attachment or even how to respond to having a sibling he never knew. I kept up writing one way emails to him every 3-6 months, I've probably sent 6 or 7 of them over the past two years, just saying hi, letting him know about my life. Nothing probing, nothing too personal, just letting him know I think of him. With no response in over 2 years, I've often thought of giving up but I just didn't want to.

Today my brother finally wrote me back and thanked me for my persistence. It felt a bit like Christmas, what a gift. I'm trying to contain my joy, I don't want to freak him out by jumping all over the little message so I'm restraining myself. I will write him back tomorrow.

Consequences and progress

I have been working very hard at calming my mind, letting go of anger and not attempting to manage the unmanageable (i.e. not trying to manage the addicts). Today is a day that is testing me.

Typically, when my husband has a day off, I try to hang around him to avert him from drinking. I decided not to do it today. I mentioned that I had a goal of leaving him to feel his own consequences from using and one of his consequences is that he used up all his money on his last binge. My old way of doing things would be to dole out small amounts of money, not enough to do any real damage. Intellectually, I know this is futile. He has done lots of damage without a dollar to his name. I also decided to go to work, not leave him any money, and let the chips fall where they may. He might drink, he might not. I don't know, but eyeballing him all day isn't going to change anything, or at least it won't change any long term behaviours. That's up to him, which I'm pretty sure he doesn't want it.

I have barely spoken to him in days. Luckily he has worked nights while I have either had the day off or worked in the day. I contain my emotions and I am practicing addressing things in a rational way. I feel a bit like I'm faking it till I make it, either way, I feel calmer and I'm not doing any damage to my own self-respect or relationships. I do feel the "chill" setting into our relationship though. This tends to happen when I create some detachment and he begins to feel what it is like when I'm not looking after him. I'm not certain I care.

Last night, my son was also completely wasted. I just looked at him and said "when are you going to finally quit drugs, all of them? I can see your future hope and all your potential just evaporating one hit at a time" He had nothing to say...typical.

So, another day goes by, my addicts are still addicted and I'm still above water. I am just looking for progress, not perfection - with them and myself. I am going to make this a good day but I realize that addicts are quite boring, they do the same thing over and over again. 

Easy does it

I have been making good progress the past week at keeping my composure, staying calm and sane. It is such hard work when suffering from depression. On Thursday my husband said he was running an errand and would be back in 30 minutes, he didn't return until the wee hours the next morning. His entire bank account empty. I didn't say a word in anger to him. In fact I have stayed calm, told him to deal with his own consequences (ie. no money for gas, cigarettes, etc...for the next 2 weeks) and have gone about my business. I have been pleased that I didn't let his poor choices be a catalyst for me to behave badly.

I have also found out that my son and his girlfriend have made a sound decision, I think she had an abortion this weekend. He won't discuss it, in fact he has been avoiding talking about anything for days and days. Typical, he is so closed and secretive about everything. He also won't talk about the phone call we received from his friend's dad.

I am hanging in, lots of exercise, lots of rest (took 2 two hour naps this weekend), doing some socializing, chores, shopped for a few cute spring things to feel pretty, just keeping busy and mindful. I think I have strung 3 good days together and I'm pleased with myself. My next challenge will be to stick to my guns with my husband. It is critical that he feel the weight of his own decisions and that they impact him directly. 

Feels weird not to rage when I blog...sounds even weirder to feel odd about feeling OK.

Drama that follows

If I wonder why I am exhausted, I just need to read my blog to read the drama that follows every week.

Last night we received a phone call from the father of one of my son's friends. Apparently my son was visiting and stole his tablet. The man wants it back and deserves it back. Our son took off when we confronted him with this, he snuck in while we were sleeping.

This morning, my husband raged at me. He then disappeared late this afternoon. I am watching his entire week's pay get withdrawn $60 at a time...His account is down to $92.00 and it's only 7:30pm.

Addicts have dramatic consequences in their lives. Loved ones of addicts also have many dramatic consequences in their lives too, just by proxy.  Conclusion? I must thrive on this drama on some level to keep it so near me all the time.

I knew I was crazy...

Shift

After my "episode" on Sunday, I've really had to take a hard look at myself and what my role in this is. I recognize that I'm emotionally exhausted and I believe I have both an anxiety disorder and a possibly an attachment disorder that may have nothing to do with the addicts in my life. It took me at least 2 days to feel stable after my outburst and I never want to feel that again. I feel ashamed and I think I'm contributing to my own trauma with my belief system.

Much much more work to do on myself.

My short list of things I can change immediately are to stop inundating myself with addiction constantly every day. My mind needs a break. I need to change how I am experiencing everything in this world, one interaction at a time...this could mean something as simple as walking a different route home every day, to not allowing anger to fester over external interactions (road rage, stupid service staff, etc...). I must really stop sweating the small stuff. I am focused on small changes right now, I'm not sure how many big things I can take on while I still feel so fragile.

Now...for the bomb I got last night. My son, the heroin addict, has gotten his girlfriend pregnant. She just found out and she is 14 weeks along. They are evaluating their options and haven't decided what to do. I can't even tell you how bad of an idea I think it would be for them to become parents right now...however, it is really not my decision. It is her body, their relationship and I am in no position to "demand" they do anything...I really, really hope they choose not to be parents right now, in whatever form that takes. I have to go home early now and help my son tell his dad, my husband.

Unglued

I lost my mind this morning...truly and seriously I had a mental and emotional breakdown. I physically attacked my husband when he showed up stinking of booze. This all happened minutes after I posted last. I was hysterical and I lost total control of myself. It was as bad as my first post 6 months ago.

I should have and could have been committed to a hospital. I lost grip or reality. I feel such shame and sadness at how far I have gone down.

To all you addicts...do you really still think you are only hurting yourself?

Making my bed?

Yesterday was a rare sunny day in the Lower Mainland. It was nice, yet I stayed inside. Typical...I'm still isolating quite a bit. Not sure I am ready to re-emerge into the world yet.

It is 9am in the morning, nobody is home. My husband didn't return from work last night, I suspect he is seeing this woman from his job. In a way I don't blame him, everybody wants affection and acceptance and I have none to offer him.  I loathe him most of the time and I certainly don't feel any affection towards him. I can't say I saw this one coming though. All I knew was that he was working until about 9:30 or 10pm and I went to bed. That said, it wouldn't be the first affair he has had.

While he was at work, I spent the evening drinking a terrific red wine that I had been saving and eating these beautiful chocolate cupcakes I made yesterday. Not sure how healthy an activity it was but I wanted to take advantage of doing things without worrying what others think. I have to say I enjoyed it.  Maybe it's my turn to become addicted, maybe I've been missing out on all this great stuff...maybe the real fuck-you is to turn into what they have been to me?

Onto more serious issues - I think my son may have gotten his girlfriend pregnant...he hasn't told me yet but I have this feeling. If he did and she doesn't get an abortion, this is a total disaster. Imagine, before even being borne, your father is addicted to the most addictive substance, he lies and steals, and has no job to take care of you. It would be even worse if the baby were to be a boy because I would fear that he would follow the long line of addicted men...my son, his father, his grandfather and his great grandfather. This is the lineage that I know of anyways. This poor baby boy would be doomed before he was even a fetus. While I don't believe in God, I find myself actually praying this isn't true. A sweet, innocent baby doesn't deserve a father like my son. My son's girlfriend doesn't have any idea what a terrible mistake it would be to have a child with him. She will ruin her future, her baby's future, and she will learn the hard way about deception, irresponsibility, heartbreak, loneliness and hopelessness. She is sweet and deserves better than a junkie.

...oh, I think my husband just tried to call home. I didn't answer, I'm not interested in hearing what he has to say. I don't feel any sense of drama, I just want him to leave me alone.

Well, I'm going to grab a shower and go to the gym. Life goes on and I wanted to be alone. Now that I've made my bed, I had best learn to enjoy lying in it. 

People and their impact on others

I follow several other blogs, some from an addict's perspective and some from the families of addicts. There is this one blog, A Mother's Serious Blunder, that seems to echo my story in most respects.

It is so interesting to me that there are echos all over the world and the effects of addiction on those who know them, cross paths with them (accidentally or on purpose), love them, gave birth to them, hate them, deal to them, use with them, and so on...and then I really wonder, why does this plague still exist? We have found medical cures and vaccines for polio, measles, cancers, and now even eradicating Aids in a small child. Why not addiction? It originates as a mental health issue I'm certain, then comes exposure, willingness and opportunity - why can't we nip it in the bud then? Why aren't there tests, like literacy or diabetes, that we can administer to those who show symptoms and then automatically treat them? Why is it the addicts choice to use and impact those of us around them, yet it is not our choice in being impacted? Why respect only the individual's rights not the rights of the greater numbers? I know, human rights, democracy, freedom of choice, etc...but seriously, there are many more of us who didn't choose to use than there are who did chose to use - yet proportionally it is us who don't use who suffer the largest volume of the burden of impact.

This system / society is broken and I will vote for the one who dares to say it needs fixing.

I do have a couple of questions to anybody who is an addict (past or present) that reads my blog:

Don't you care how badly you are affecting those who care about you? If you do, what deal do you make with yourself to ignore how badly you are fucking with others?

When you use, does it obliterate any conscience or values you once knew?

What is it you tell yourself that makes the shit you do OK? The lies, manipulation, theft, etc...

These are genuine questions that I would honestly love to know the answers to because after decades of dealing with addicts, I remain completely at a loss to understand. 

I'm back and nothing has changed 2 months later

Hi everyone, anyone?

I haven't written in the past 2 months because I haven't really seen the point of doing so. My addicts continue to use and I continue to fret, struggle, cry, and detach. I have been using this as a combination of diary entries and more importantly, I had hoped to connect with others. This blog is no exception, I remain alone in my pain. Not a soul in the world gives a shit.

I am moving back towards bitterness, I am on antidepressants again and I have withdrawn again from everyone that I know.

I say fuck you world, fuck you addicts, fuck you to every dealer who ever sold even a speck of drugs.

Here's a quick recap of the drama my addicts have brought into my tiny little home in just the last 2 weeks:

Son brought a friend of his to spend the night while I was asleep - his friend OD'd!!! My son had to pound his chest, do mouth to mouth, throw water in his face and keep him awake for the next several hours while his breathing normalized. Yes, heroin suppresses the respiratory system and causes you to stop breathing.

Oh, did I mention that this happened on the same night that my husband decided to disappear and get drunk? Classy, huh?

Then, after days of talking about the urgency surrounding those events. how dangerous and frightening these events were and how easily that could have been our son, we decided to create a d-day event. Get help to stop using or leave. After hours of crying, fighting, discussing, my husband couldn't take it anymore and left for 15 minutes. He came back with a mickey of vodka and slammed it back. During that same time, my son went out and used.

There is no hope here, every single one of us is going to die from addiction and all of us at our own hands. My son from drugs, my husband I'm sure from some type of cancer or heart attack, and I will likely, eventually just die of a broken heart.

There is no use fighting it, it is bigger than my love, my hope or my resolve. Addiction wins everytime and this time is no exception.

Morals and values

I am thinking about the shape my life has taken and the way I stand firm to my values, my needs, my desires. All my adult life I have struggled to hold firm to a set of moral codes, values in which life makes sense to me. The older I get, the more I realize that my values are only mine...they aren't more "right" or "better" or "make more sense" than the values of others. They are just mine and they have been borne of necessity because mind needed to create some set of rules that could never be broken.

These values of mine work very well some times and other times they appear rigid and incapable of any growth or flexibility. I believe that when certain traumas happened to me as a child, I realized that there was nobody who was going to really look after me in the way that I felt I deserved or wanted. There didn't seem to be any rule of family or life that couldn't be broken to meet someone else's wants or needs. This has shaped who I am and how ferocious I am about protecting a particular way of life.

My husband and I have fought for years and years about how I see everything in such black and white terms, a certain action or decision is finitely right or wrong. He likes the shades of grey in it all, I think its that way because it gives him permission to follow his wants. I, on the other hand, believe in some higher moral code that imposes suffering, and denies desire and want. I sound religious yet I am not. I can't let go, I am so afraid to go to / live in the grey areas of human existence.

I am frustrated, impatient, always driven to fortify those walls and values. It doesn't work yet the thrust to strive for it is as automatic as my heart beat.

morals  plural of mor·al (Noun)

Noun

1. A lesson, esp. one concerning what is right or prudent, that can be derived from a story, a piece of information, or an experience.
2. A person's standards of behavior or beliefs concerning what is and is not acceptable for them to do.

Psycological F-you's

I am having a really hard time again. My husband relapsed and my son never stopped. My husband is actively enabling our son, giving him money when he asks for it. Secretly I believe they need each other to stay sick so that they have company in their misery. At this moment, I feel like I hate them both. I feel so unsafe, disrespected, I am wrestling with why I expect them to change...really, it is me who needs to change.

I am in this endless cycle of bitching and whining about their need to change, then I bitch and whine about my bitching and whining...it is such a useless way of thinking. I am in this self-victimization mind-set again...poor me, why me, what's wrong with them, why don't they stop, blah, blah, blah. Really, if you think about it, they don't have a problem with how they live, it is me who has the problem with it. We don't really have any right to ask others to change for us, we only have the right to impose that on ourselves. If I don't like living with addicts, then I should move on. There is no law that says they need to change for me, I certainly won't change for them.

I am behaving really pettily, outright hostile, rejecting them both completely. I don't like this side of myself but it's my psychological punishment to them both I guess. I must get something out of this type of behaviour, maybe it is because it eventually bullies them in to telling me what I want to hear and thus, they are stuck with making promises they never wanted to make in the first place. It is a delusional self-fulfilling cycle that never ever ends well.

I have to get back on track, I feel like I have relapsed. I will eat well, go to the gym today and do something I enjoy. I will work towards some kind of joy and mental health today. 

One day at a time

Happy New Year readers!

My son was away for a few days, what a break...needed him and his addiction to be out of my face for a short time. He came home yesterday and was high and annoying within a few hours.

I mentioned a few days ago that I was letting myself out of "jail"and I'm off to a great start. I have eaten well for 4 days, been to the gym twice, not allowed myself to obsesses over other people's addictions. I have felt good and empowered...I feel in charge of my own happiness but I do need to do something to manage anxiety though. I tend to have anxiety issues to start with but dealing with things over the past few years has caused it to get worse. I get obsessive in my thinking, I have panic attacks (I hide them), I overreact to to situations, I get paranoid about my addicts, my bosses, my friends....always waiting for the proverbial "other shoe to drop". I am going to give exercise a chance to work on my mental health, but I must attack this aspect of my personality head-on if that doesn't alleviate the symptoms. I think anxiety is a root issue for me.

Since I learned of my son's addiction, these are the negative effects it has had on my life:

I gained 25 lbs in 1 year
The bond with my son is broken, I look at him and feel differently about him but not in a good way
I don't trust anybody, I mean that very seriously
I am constantly paranoid about my belongings being stolen
I have battled with anger in my heart (having some good results with this blog - this outlet helps me a lot)
I have cut off contact with every friend I ever had
I don't believe in happy endings anymore - I have a general feeling of hopelesness

I once saw on an episode of Intervention an addiction counselor tell a family that if they were waiting for their "addict" to give them peace, they were out of their minds. I am trying to take this advice to heart and find it myself. I  hope this journey helps me. I hope I stop relying on others to tell me how I am going to feel today.