I don't know how to turn back time, un-ring a bell or have any idea where to even begin to put this shattered family back together.
My family is made up of 4 individuals who are each struggling in their own way. It would seem that we all display the following traits:
- Physically / Emotionally / Verbally abusive
- Not accountable for our actions
- Self victimizes
- Addictive (heroin, alcohol, food, rage)
Do I just abandon ship and save myself, save them from me? Do I stay on the sinking ship because I am a captain? My children were born perfect, I was a key influencer to fuck them up. I can't solely blame addiction on where things have ended up. I have a role, maybe a much bigger one than I ever thought.
When my mother got pregnant with me she was a teenager. My grandmother hated and resented the shame that it brought on their upper middle class military family. I was never accepted by her, she died ignoring me. Just my existence has been a blight on my family's existence. My father never wanted me and I don't think my mother ever loved me. What do I do about this? I never had any say on being born? I didn't mean to ruin so many lives, I didn't mean to fuck up my kids. I didn't mean to be all the awful things I have become. How to I change this?