Friday, 5 April 2013

Mayday! Mayday!

I don't know how to turn back time, un-ring a bell or have any idea where to even begin to put this shattered family back together.

My family is made up of 4 individuals who are each struggling in their own way. It would seem that we all display the following traits:

  • Liar
  • Angry
  • Intolerant
  • Physically / Emotionally / Verbally abusive
  • Disloyal 
  • Not accountable for our actions
  • Self victimizes
  • Insensitive
  • Addictive (heroin, alcohol, food, rage)
  • Denier
  • Fearful
  • Anxious
So, how does one go about fixing this? Is this family even salvageable? I see history repeating itself.

Do I just abandon ship and save myself, save them from me? Do I stay on the sinking ship because I am a captain? My children were born perfect, I was a key influencer to fuck them up. I can't solely blame addiction on where things have ended up. I have a role, maybe a much bigger one than I ever thought.

When my mother got pregnant with me she was a teenager. My grandmother hated and resented the shame that it brought on their upper middle class military family. I was never accepted by her, she died ignoring me. Just my existence has been a blight on my family's existence. My father never wanted me and I don't think my mother ever loved me. What do I do about this? I never had any say on being born? I didn't mean to ruin so many lives, I didn't mean to fuck up my kids. I didn't mean to be all the awful things I have become. How to I change this? 

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