Happy New Year readers!
My son was away for a few days, what a break...needed him and his addiction to be out of my face for a short time. He came home yesterday and was high and annoying within a few hours.
I mentioned a few days ago that I was letting myself out of "jail"and I'm off to a great start. I have eaten well for 4 days, been to the gym twice, not allowed myself to obsesses over other people's addictions. I have felt good and empowered...I feel in charge of my own happiness but I do need to do something to manage anxiety though. I tend to have anxiety issues to start with but dealing with things over the past few years has caused it to get worse. I get obsessive in my thinking, I have panic attacks (I hide them), I overreact to to situations, I get paranoid about my addicts, my bosses, my friends....always waiting for the proverbial "other shoe to drop". I am going to give exercise a chance to work on my mental health, but I must attack this aspect of my personality head-on if that doesn't alleviate the symptoms. I think anxiety is a root issue for me.
Since I learned of my son's addiction, these are the negative effects it has had on my life:
I gained 25 lbs in 1 year
The bond with my son is broken, I look at him and feel differently about him but not in a good way
I don't trust anybody, I mean that very seriously
I am constantly paranoid about my belongings being stolen
I have battled with anger in my heart (having some good results with this blog - this outlet helps me a lot)
I have cut off contact with every friend I ever had
I don't believe in happy endings anymore - I have a general feeling of hopelesness
I once saw on an episode of Intervention an addiction counselor tell a family that if they were waiting for their "addict" to give them peace, they were out of their minds. I am trying to take this advice to heart and find it myself. I hope this journey helps me. I hope I stop relying on others to tell me how I am going to feel today.