Sunday, 10 March 2013

Making my bed?

Yesterday was a rare sunny day in the Lower Mainland. It was nice, yet I stayed inside. Typical...I'm still isolating quite a bit. Not sure I am ready to re-emerge into the world yet.

It is 9am in the morning, nobody is home. My husband didn't return from work last night, I suspect he is seeing this woman from his job. In a way I don't blame him, everybody wants affection and acceptance and I have none to offer him.  I loathe him most of the time and I certainly don't feel any affection towards him. I can't say I saw this one coming though. All I knew was that he was working until about 9:30 or 10pm and I went to bed. That said, it wouldn't be the first affair he has had.

While he was at work, I spent the evening drinking a terrific red wine that I had been saving and eating these beautiful chocolate cupcakes I made yesterday. Not sure how healthy an activity it was but I wanted to take advantage of doing things without worrying what others think. I have to say I enjoyed it.  Maybe it's my turn to become addicted, maybe I've been missing out on all this great stuff...maybe the real fuck-you is to turn into what they have been to me?

Onto more serious issues - I think my son may have gotten his girlfriend pregnant...he hasn't told me yet but I have this feeling. If he did and she doesn't get an abortion, this is a total disaster. Imagine, before even being borne, your father is addicted to the most addictive substance, he lies and steals, and has no job to take care of you. It would be even worse if the baby were to be a boy because I would fear that he would follow the long line of addicted men...my son, his father, his grandfather and his great grandfather. This is the lineage that I know of anyways. This poor baby boy would be doomed before he was even a fetus. While I don't believe in God, I find myself actually praying this isn't true. A sweet, innocent baby doesn't deserve a father like my son. My son's girlfriend doesn't have any idea what a terrible mistake it would be to have a child with him. She will ruin her future, her baby's future, and she will learn the hard way about deception, irresponsibility, heartbreak, loneliness and hopelessness. She is sweet and deserves better than a junkie.

...oh, I think my husband just tried to call home. I didn't answer, I'm not interested in hearing what he has to say. I don't feel any sense of drama, I just want him to leave me alone.

Well, I'm going to grab a shower and go to the gym. Life goes on and I wanted to be alone. Now that I've made my bed, I had best learn to enjoy lying in it. 




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