Shift

After my "episode" on Sunday, I've really had to take a hard look at myself and what my role in this is. I recognize that I'm emotionally exhausted and I believe I have both an anxiety disorder and a possibly an attachment disorder that may have nothing to do with the addicts in my life. It took me at least 2 days to feel stable after my outburst and I never want to feel that again. I feel ashamed and I think I'm contributing to my own trauma with my belief system.

Much much more work to do on myself.

My short list of things I can change immediately are to stop inundating myself with addiction constantly every day. My mind needs a break. I need to change how I am experiencing everything in this world, one interaction at a time...this could mean something as simple as walking a different route home every day, to not allowing anger to fester over external interactions (road rage, stupid service staff, etc...). I must really stop sweating the small stuff. I am focused on small changes right now, I'm not sure how many big things I can take on while I still feel so fragile.

Now...for the bomb I got last night. My son, the heroin addict, has gotten his girlfriend pregnant. She just found out and she is 14 weeks along. They are evaluating their options and haven't decided what to do. I can't even tell you how bad of an idea I think it would be for them to become parents right now...however, it is really not my decision. It is her body, their relationship and I am in no position to "demand" they do anything...I really, really hope they choose not to be parents right now, in whatever form that takes. I have to go home early now and help my son tell his dad, my husband.