Tuesday, 19 March 2013

Consequences and progress

I have been working very hard at calming my mind, letting go of anger and not attempting to manage the unmanageable (i.e. not trying to manage the addicts). Today is a day that is testing me.

Typically, when my husband has a day off, I try to hang around him to avert him from drinking. I decided not to do it today. I mentioned that I had a goal of leaving him to feel his own consequences from using and one of his consequences is that he used up all his money on his last binge. My old way of doing things would be to dole out small amounts of money, not enough to do any real damage. Intellectually, I know this is futile. He has done lots of damage without a dollar to his name. I also decided to go to work, not leave him any money, and let the chips fall where they may. He might drink, he might not. I don't know, but eyeballing him all day isn't going to change anything, or at least it won't change any long term behaviours. That's up to him, which I'm pretty sure he doesn't want it.

I have barely spoken to him in days. Luckily he has worked nights while I have either had the day off or worked in the day. I contain my emotions and I am practicing addressing things in a rational way. I feel a bit like I'm faking it till I make it, either way, I feel calmer and I'm not doing any damage to my own self-respect or relationships. I do feel the "chill" setting into our relationship though. This tends to happen when I create some detachment and he begins to feel what it is like when I'm not looking after him. I'm not certain I care.

Last night, my son was also completely wasted. I just looked at him and said "when are you going to finally quit drugs, all of them? I can see your future hope and all your potential just evaporating one hit at a time" He had nothing to say...typical.

So, another day goes by, my addicts are still addicted and I'm still above water. I am just looking for progress, not perfection - with them and myself. I am going to make this a good day but I realize that addicts are quite boring, they do the same thing over and over again. 

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