Wednesday, 10 April 2013

Personal Analysis

I'm thinking quite a bit about why I stay in this vortex I call my life. They say that we only repeat behaviour if we benefit somehow. Clearly I must be benefiting on some level...but what level could that be?

The best thing I can come up with, if I'm really, really honest with myself (and you of course) is that acting the role of victim and martyr must provide me with some sense of purpose, identity and attention.

My husband especially, and my son in recent years, have all treated me very poorly. They say crude things, lie, steal, cheat, completely disrespect who I am in their lives (wife / mother). They do this over and over again and I just try harder to be what they want me to be, or what I think they ought to be...

Perhaps if I were not to be so busy with this drama and chaos, it would become imminently clear that I am not much more than a puff of smoke in this universe. I would have no higher purpose (my addicts NEED me to control damage, pay bills, provide food and stability...and so on, right?) in my day to day existence. I would just wake up each morning, feed my cat, drink my coffee, go off to my job, come home and watch TV, and repeat each day. I hope you are noting my own personal sarcasm...seriously, they don't really need shit from me. It would appear that I need them a lot more to validate my own existence than they need from me.  If I weren't there to do those thing, they would find another way. It is really that simple.

If I weren't constantly comparing myself with these dysfunctional characters, I would really have to evaluate myself based on my own merit, not as a comparison to something else. If I weren't there to do those thing, they would find another way. It is really that simple. What excuse could I possibly have to justify the ways in which I have behaved?

So, the hard question is what hard work am I going to have to do to create an identity for myself, a healthy sense of self / purpose and a do I really have the strength of character to see this change through? Or...would I just prefer to keep whining about what somebody else is doing to me? Which one provides me with the true benefit and which one just gives me an easy fix?

Hmmm...some things to consider.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Follow my blog: