Sunday, 14 April 2013

I'm not a victim

I'm still working really hard on self-awareness, personal responsibility and my own identity. Interestingly, it has felt quite freeing. I look inwards, not outwards as to why I'm not feeling good at a particular moment on any particular day.

I am looking at my life much lime embarking on a weight loss program. To loose weight, it all comes down to calories in vs calories out...if you burn more calories than you consume, you will loose weight, right? You can achieve this by reducing what food you eat, make better food choices, exercise more, etc...pretty simple right?

So, I'm trying to loose some emotional weight. I need to intake more positive emotional experiences than I expend in order to loose emotional weight. I am not looking across the room and blaming my bad day on what negative experiences other people are creating, I am looking at creating the happy ones for me. At the moment, it seems to be working but I have to be super careful about what interactions I let come into my head. An example of a test I had this morning was talking to my husband. Sitting there talking to him over morning coffee, we often run the gamut of topics. In his mind, because I have been emotionally unavailable (wonder why?), it made perfect sense that he should seek out a relationship with someone else. Seriously? Typical addict, they want to create the chaos and blame someone else for why they "had" to make the poor choices they did.

This was a great exercise for me. Much like being passed a giant piece of chocolate cake, I had to turn down the opportunity to devour that experience. If I had gotten into it, I would have felt bad about myself, felt the hopelessness of trying to convince him of the flaw in that thinking and gone back into feeling like I was victimized. Fuck him. He is welcome to create any type of relationship he wants with anybody he wants, but he will eventually need to deal with the consequences. One of those consequences is that I may one day apply that logic right back to him. He hasn't got the first clue how lonely it is to be with a guy like him. He sucks up all the emotional energy in a room and he isn't ever there for me. Or...the other potential consequence is that I'm just not that interested in him anymore. Or...that he creates a dynamic he can't get himself out of? I have no idea what the consequences will be, but there will be some eventually. That is just how the universe works.

Oops, I digressed. The point I'm trying to make is that I'm creating happier experiences for myself. I went out with my friends the other night, I drank nice wine, ate nice food, and enjoyed being around people who like me. It felt good and I want to feel more good feelings like those. While that may sound small and insignificant, it has been a couple of years since I did that. I have been cocooning myself in trauma and drama, cut off from the world. I am beginning to peek out of this sadness to see what's out there.

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