Saturday, 5 January 2013

Psycological F-you's

I am having a really hard time again. My husband relapsed and my son never stopped. My husband is actively enabling our son, giving him money when he asks for it. Secretly I believe they need each other to stay sick so that they have company in their misery. At this moment, I feel like I hate them both. I feel so unsafe, disrespected, I am wrestling with why I expect them to change...really, it is me who needs to change.

I am in this endless cycle of bitching and whining about their need to change, then I bitch and whine about my bitching and is such a useless way of thinking. I am in this self-victimization mind-set again...poor me, why me, what's wrong with them, why don't they stop, blah, blah, blah. Really, if you think about it, they don't have a problem with how they live, it is me who has the problem with it. We don't really have any right to ask others to change for us, we only have the right to impose that on ourselves. If I don't like living with addicts, then I should move on. There is no law that says they need to change for me, I certainly won't change for them.

I am behaving really pettily, outright hostile, rejecting them both completely. I don't like this side of myself but it's my psychological punishment to them both I guess. I must get something out of this type of behaviour, maybe it is because it eventually bullies them in to telling me what I want to hear and thus, they are stuck with making promises they never wanted to make in the first place. It is a delusional self-fulfilling cycle that never ever ends well.

I have to get back on track, I feel like I have relapsed. I will eat well, go to the gym today and do something I enjoy. I will work towards some kind of joy and mental health today. 

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