Sunday, 3 March 2013

I'm back and nothing has changed 2 months later

Hi everyone, anyone?

I haven't written in the past 2 months because I haven't really seen the point of doing so. My addicts continue to use and I continue to fret, struggle, cry, and detach. I have been using this as a combination of diary entries and more importantly, I had hoped to connect with others. This blog is no exception, I remain alone in my pain. Not a soul in the world gives a shit.

I am moving back towards bitterness, I am on antidepressants again and I have withdrawn again from everyone that I know.

I say fuck you world, fuck you addicts, fuck you to every dealer who ever sold even a speck of drugs.

Here's a quick recap of the drama my addicts have brought into my tiny little home in just the last 2 weeks:

Son brought a friend of his to spend the night while I was asleep - his friend OD'd!!! My son had to pound his chest, do mouth to mouth, throw water in his face and keep him awake for the next several hours while his breathing normalized. Yes, heroin suppresses the respiratory system and causes you to stop breathing.

Oh, did I mention that this happened on the same night that my husband decided to disappear and get drunk? Classy, huh?

Then, after days of talking about the urgency surrounding those events. how dangerous and frightening these events were and how easily that could have been our son, we decided to create a d-day event. Get help to stop using or leave. After hours of crying, fighting, discussing, my husband couldn't take it anymore and left for 15 minutes. He came back with a mickey of vodka and slammed it back. During that same time, my son went out and used.

There is no hope here, every single one of us is going to die from addiction and all of us at our own hands. My son from drugs, my husband I'm sure from some type of cancer or heart attack, and I will likely, eventually just die of a broken heart.

There is no use fighting it, it is bigger than my love, my hope or my resolve. Addiction wins everytime and this time is no exception.

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