What I am discovering

I reread all my blog posts, and had a good cry. I have been contemplating suicide over the past week, mostly thinking of fast, quick ways to die that don't leave a mess. I was thinking a lot about hanging myself off our balcony. My mind and heart have gotten so sick and desperate.  Last night s I tried to identify what I am feeling, what are the root feelings. I came to a few conclusions.

1. I really can't stand who I've become. Bitter, sad, suspicious, angry, desperate, controlling.
2. I feel very very alone, yet off my balcony last night I saw a whole family trying to intervene on a crack addicted daughter in our building. I wanted to run down to that mother and tell her I understand...she isn't alone. 
3. I live in a constant state of fear, about everything. 
4. While it is not my fault what has happened, I must change drastically or I am just simply part of the problem. Life must go on. I can't keep waiting for someone to "choose me".

I made myself a promise today - I promised I would go to an Al Anon meeting again. I need friends and a community to feel warmth, love and safety. I know they can give me that and I need help coming up with a strategy to get better. So off I went at 9am this morning, and I'm so glad I did. I really liked that group. Today the topic was step 4.

Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

As people in the group did their readings and shared a little, tears just quietly streamed down my face as they talked about loving myself, being kind to myself and finding loving detachment  from my addicts. I realized at that moment how ashamed I am of how I have been acting. I have been so cruel and controlling and judgmental. I have shamed and isolated and blamed them for everything I feel and do. I have taken no responsibility for myself or my actions.  I'm not at step 4 but I sure need to get there, and to get there, I need to get a handle on step 1 - We admitted we were powerless over addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable. I am there...I am powerless. 

I then looked up a daily meditation for AA and it was as if it was meant for me, today of all days. It is one of those areas that I have experienced constantly...and it was certainly very relative to step 4.

DISLOYALTY

I have a history of chaotic relationships filled with destructive drama and a lack of loyalty. For many years, however, I believed that I was in fact a very loyal friend – and that it was my friends who were disloyal to me.

I was an avid -- even rabid -- people-pleaser. I drove myself crazy trying to figure out what people wanted and how I could best provide that for them. Because I thought I knew what was best for everybody, I failed to truly listen to the people in my life. Instead, I tried to impose my will upon them…then I wondered why they didn’t appreciate all of my efforts on “their” behalf. When they inevitably became frustrated with me, I was wounded by what I perceived to be their lack of loyalty to me.

Only recently in my recovery program have I come to learn that my efforts at people-pleasing were actually symptoms of my own disloyalty. I was failing to relate with people as they are – rather I was relating to them as I thought they “should be”. That is perhaps the most egregious form of disloyalty…insisting that others be loyal to my concept of them and myself.

Now I am taking steps to honestly listen to people and to relate with them as they are – and as I truly am. I am no longer hiding behind food. In order to be loyal in my relationships, I must be loyal to the ‘Truth of Reality.’ Only then can we share the joy of faithful relationships.

One day at a time ... I will practice listening to the people in my life and I will honor them as they are. Each day I can choose to be loyal, rather than critical or people-pleasing.

 Just by going to Al Anon, today was a better today. I know I am going to struggle with the God thing, but there is a greater purpose and they have what I want - peace, love and some order to their minds. I don't feel suicidal today.

Lies to fix lies to fix lies

I feel manic, I literally didn't sleep a wink last night and I'm at work right now in a fog. I'm dizzy, nauseous, super quiet. There is such a physical impact from living under such stressful circumstances.

This morning my husband tried to tell me he lied when he confessed. I got teary and told him that it doesn't really matter, the whole situation just doesn't pass the smell test. It's inappropriate and totally disrespectful. He doesn't remember much of what he said or did last night.

I plan to leave work early to go home and get some rest once he is gone. I'm not taking his calls, I don't want to see him or speak to him. I don't want to see my son or speak to him either. I just want this all to be over. There are moments when I feel almost suicidal...or maybe I am just looking for some kind of lasting relief from this ongoing drama, trauma and addiction cycle. Weirdly, I sometimes wonder if you can't beat'em, join'em doesn't apply here?

Will this ever get better?

I am still awake, there was so much drama last night. I was acutely aware that if it's not one addict creating drama, it's the other. I was lucky enough to get a double-whammy last night.

Sometime while I was at work my husband and my son got into a confrontation while both had been using their drug of choice. I'm not really sure what happened, I was at work but I did get calls from both of them. I'm sure the truth lies somewhere in between the two stories. Does the truth even really matter?

I also confirmed that my husband does have something going on with another woman. To what extent, I don't really know but I confronted him about it. Then I called her. She hung up on me and so I left her a voice message to give me a call. No sense avoiding the truth. I don't blame her any more than I blame him. Cheaters are parasites. Come to think of it, so are addicts.

I don't know who to turn to or how to even begin to process all this. I know my blog sounds like a victim impact statement and I just don't even know how to change this. I clearly have serious attachment issues.

Who I am

My son returned late Friday night from seeing his girlfriend. I was mistaken about when they had the abortion, it was in fact on Thursday. It would appear that my son is dealing with tremendous guilt, sadness, regret. He has over-informed himself with information and is feeling like he allowed her to murder their baby. He let all of this out, in waves of tears, completely wasted on heroin. I tried to listen, hold him and give him some advice on grief and acceptance.

Then, after he calmed down, just as my husband and I were going to leave to go to a movie, he flipped out weeping, hysterical and desperate to get some money to do something with his girlfriend. I can't even tell you how dramatic and tearful he was, and to me at least, it was clear that this reaction was drug fueled. He just wanted to get more drugs. Very sad, very desperate. I didn't give him the money and left for the movie, trying to not give in to the drama of the situation.

That detachment came back to bite me several hours later. I lost it on my husband, veiled in jealousy. Faking detachment doesn't always work....you feel what you feel. It has become really, really apparent to me that I am suffering from a major depression. I am taking medication but it doesn't seem to be cutting it. I sleep for 8, 9, 10 hours a night and am still exhausted. I'm difficult and over sensitive. I am mistrustful, a tad paranoid, and never, ever joyful. I have no sex drive, I just want to be alone, I am having some memory issues too. Oh, and I have this phantom pain in my back. There is no real cause for it, I didn't injure myself but it is painful and present all the time. Sounds like clinical depression to me. I am so angry at myself for not being able to get a handle on my emotions.

Fuck, I really suck at life and being the hero that this situation calls for. What a total failure I am as a wife, mother and person. I am really just a waste of air and skin. I add nothing positive, I am simply a co-dependent enabler. I have done nothing to make this world a better place.

Letting go of hope

I'm still on track with not trying to manage my addicts. I feel like I'm in my own recovery program oddly enough. The way I'm counting it, I'm on day 10.

My son has left to visit his girlfriend at school for about 4 days. It feels good not to constantly keep vigil over my belongings. I left my car keys out last night and left my purse on the kitchen table for most of the evening.

My husband is doing 2 days off work, not sure what that will look like...will he drink today? Maybe. I gotta stay focused and not worry about what he will or won't do. I also need to really get comfortable in my head and heart that he may be seeing someone else, that he may just not like spending time with me, and that things may irrevocably be different now. Maybe too much has happened, maybe my dream of a sober husband is never really going to materialize?  Maybe more than detachment, I need to really learn to let go...

A lot to think about.

A wonderful thing just happened

There is much about my past that I haven't bothered sharing, this blog mostly serves a purpose to process my experience of living with and loving two addicted men. However...something really small and wonderful just happened in my life and I have nobody to share it with. My addicts are nowhere to be found, so I choose you to tell.

I never knew my biological father, I found him once nearly 30 years ago, just to see what he looked like. He never bothered to stay in touch with me, so I never looked again. My father had another child though, I found that out many  years later. He is six years younger than me and I have never met him. I looked and looked and looked for him, and then I found him on Facebook. That was 2 years ago. I wrote him immediately and tried not to freak him out. He responded to my email and then I never heard from him again. I think he just had no sense of attachment or even how to respond to having a sibling he never knew. I kept up writing one way emails to him every 3-6 months, I've probably sent 6 or 7 of them over the past two years, just saying hi, letting him know about my life. Nothing probing, nothing too personal, just letting him know I think of him. With no response in over 2 years, I've often thought of giving up but I just didn't want to.

Today my brother finally wrote me back and thanked me for my persistence. It felt a bit like Christmas, what a gift. I'm trying to contain my joy, I don't want to freak him out by jumping all over the little message so I'm restraining myself. I will write him back tomorrow.

Consequences and progress

I have been working very hard at calming my mind, letting go of anger and not attempting to manage the unmanageable (i.e. not trying to manage the addicts). Today is a day that is testing me.

Typically, when my husband has a day off, I try to hang around him to avert him from drinking. I decided not to do it today. I mentioned that I had a goal of leaving him to feel his own consequences from using and one of his consequences is that he used up all his money on his last binge. My old way of doing things would be to dole out small amounts of money, not enough to do any real damage. Intellectually, I know this is futile. He has done lots of damage without a dollar to his name. I also decided to go to work, not leave him any money, and let the chips fall where they may. He might drink, he might not. I don't know, but eyeballing him all day isn't going to change anything, or at least it won't change any long term behaviours. That's up to him, which I'm pretty sure he doesn't want it.

I have barely spoken to him in days. Luckily he has worked nights while I have either had the day off or worked in the day. I contain my emotions and I am practicing addressing things in a rational way. I feel a bit like I'm faking it till I make it, either way, I feel calmer and I'm not doing any damage to my own self-respect or relationships. I do feel the "chill" setting into our relationship though. This tends to happen when I create some detachment and he begins to feel what it is like when I'm not looking after him. I'm not certain I care.

Last night, my son was also completely wasted. I just looked at him and said "when are you going to finally quit drugs, all of them? I can see your future hope and all your potential just evaporating one hit at a time" He had nothing to say...typical.

So, another day goes by, my addicts are still addicted and I'm still above water. I am just looking for progress, not perfection - with them and myself. I am going to make this a good day but I realize that addicts are quite boring, they do the same thing over and over again. 

Easy does it

I have been making good progress the past week at keeping my composure, staying calm and sane. It is such hard work when suffering from depression. On Thursday my husband said he was running an errand and would be back in 30 minutes, he didn't return until the wee hours the next morning. His entire bank account empty. I didn't say a word in anger to him. In fact I have stayed calm, told him to deal with his own consequences (ie. no money for gas, cigarettes, etc...for the next 2 weeks) and have gone about my business. I have been pleased that I didn't let his poor choices be a catalyst for me to behave badly.

I have also found out that my son and his girlfriend have made a sound decision, I think she had an abortion this weekend. He won't discuss it, in fact he has been avoiding talking about anything for days and days. Typical, he is so closed and secretive about everything. He also won't talk about the phone call we received from his friend's dad.

I am hanging in, lots of exercise, lots of rest (took 2 two hour naps this weekend), doing some socializing, chores, shopped for a few cute spring things to feel pretty, just keeping busy and mindful. I think I have strung 3 good days together and I'm pleased with myself. My next challenge will be to stick to my guns with my husband. It is critical that he feel the weight of his own decisions and that they impact him directly. 

Feels weird not to rage when I blog...sounds even weirder to feel odd about feeling OK.

Drama that follows

If I wonder why I am exhausted, I just need to read my blog to read the drama that follows every week.

Last night we received a phone call from the father of one of my son's friends. Apparently my son was visiting and stole his tablet. The man wants it back and deserves it back. Our son took off when we confronted him with this, he snuck in while we were sleeping.

This morning, my husband raged at me. He then disappeared late this afternoon. I am watching his entire week's pay get withdrawn $60 at a time...His account is down to $92.00 and it's only 7:30pm.

Addicts have dramatic consequences in their lives. Loved ones of addicts also have many dramatic consequences in their lives too, just by proxy.  Conclusion? I must thrive on this drama on some level to keep it so near me all the time.

I knew I was crazy...

Shift

After my "episode" on Sunday, I've really had to take a hard look at myself and what my role in this is. I recognize that I'm emotionally exhausted and I believe I have both an anxiety disorder and a possibly an attachment disorder that may have nothing to do with the addicts in my life. It took me at least 2 days to feel stable after my outburst and I never want to feel that again. I feel ashamed and I think I'm contributing to my own trauma with my belief system.

Much much more work to do on myself.

My short list of things I can change immediately are to stop inundating myself with addiction constantly every day. My mind needs a break. I need to change how I am experiencing everything in this world, one interaction at a time...this could mean something as simple as walking a different route home every day, to not allowing anger to fester over external interactions (road rage, stupid service staff, etc...). I must really stop sweating the small stuff. I am focused on small changes right now, I'm not sure how many big things I can take on while I still feel so fragile.

Now...for the bomb I got last night. My son, the heroin addict, has gotten his girlfriend pregnant. She just found out and she is 14 weeks along. They are evaluating their options and haven't decided what to do. I can't even tell you how bad of an idea I think it would be for them to become parents right now...however, it is really not my decision. It is her body, their relationship and I am in no position to "demand" they do anything...I really, really hope they choose not to be parents right now, in whatever form that takes. I have to go home early now and help my son tell his dad, my husband.

Unglued

I lost my mind this morning...truly and seriously I had a mental and emotional breakdown. I physically attacked my husband when he showed up stinking of booze. This all happened minutes after I posted last. I was hysterical and I lost total control of myself. It was as bad as my first post 6 months ago.

I should have and could have been committed to a hospital. I lost grip or reality. I feel such shame and sadness at how far I have gone down.

To all you addicts...do you really still think you are only hurting yourself?

Making my bed?

Yesterday was a rare sunny day in the Lower Mainland. It was nice, yet I stayed inside. Typical...I'm still isolating quite a bit. Not sure I am ready to re-emerge into the world yet.

It is 9am in the morning, nobody is home. My husband didn't return from work last night, I suspect he is seeing this woman from his job. In a way I don't blame him, everybody wants affection and acceptance and I have none to offer him.  I loathe him most of the time and I certainly don't feel any affection towards him. I can't say I saw this one coming though. All I knew was that he was working until about 9:30 or 10pm and I went to bed. That said, it wouldn't be the first affair he has had.

While he was at work, I spent the evening drinking a terrific red wine that I had been saving and eating these beautiful chocolate cupcakes I made yesterday. Not sure how healthy an activity it was but I wanted to take advantage of doing things without worrying what others think. I have to say I enjoyed it.  Maybe it's my turn to become addicted, maybe I've been missing out on all this great stuff...maybe the real fuck-you is to turn into what they have been to me?

Onto more serious issues - I think my son may have gotten his girlfriend pregnant...he hasn't told me yet but I have this feeling. If he did and she doesn't get an abortion, this is a total disaster. Imagine, before even being borne, your father is addicted to the most addictive substance, he lies and steals, and has no job to take care of you. It would be even worse if the baby were to be a boy because I would fear that he would follow the long line of addicted men...my son, his father, his grandfather and his great grandfather. This is the lineage that I know of anyways. This poor baby boy would be doomed before he was even a fetus. While I don't believe in God, I find myself actually praying this isn't true. A sweet, innocent baby doesn't deserve a father like my son. My son's girlfriend doesn't have any idea what a terrible mistake it would be to have a child with him. She will ruin her future, her baby's future, and she will learn the hard way about deception, irresponsibility, heartbreak, loneliness and hopelessness. She is sweet and deserves better than a junkie.

...oh, I think my husband just tried to call home. I didn't answer, I'm not interested in hearing what he has to say. I don't feel any sense of drama, I just want him to leave me alone.

Well, I'm going to grab a shower and go to the gym. Life goes on and I wanted to be alone. Now that I've made my bed, I had best learn to enjoy lying in it. 

People and their impact on others

I follow several other blogs, some from an addict's perspective and some from the families of addicts. There is this one blog, A Mother's Serious Blunder, that seems to echo my story in most respects.

It is so interesting to me that there are echos all over the world and the effects of addiction on those who know them, cross paths with them (accidentally or on purpose), love them, gave birth to them, hate them, deal to them, use with them, and so on...and then I really wonder, why does this plague still exist? We have found medical cures and vaccines for polio, measles, cancers, and now even eradicating Aids in a small child. Why not addiction? It originates as a mental health issue I'm certain, then comes exposure, willingness and opportunity - why can't we nip it in the bud then? Why aren't there tests, like literacy or diabetes, that we can administer to those who show symptoms and then automatically treat them? Why is it the addicts choice to use and impact those of us around them, yet it is not our choice in being impacted? Why respect only the individual's rights not the rights of the greater numbers? I know, human rights, democracy, freedom of choice, etc...but seriously, there are many more of us who didn't choose to use than there are who did chose to use - yet proportionally it is us who don't use who suffer the largest volume of the burden of impact.

This system / society is broken and I will vote for the one who dares to say it needs fixing.

I do have a couple of questions to anybody who is an addict (past or present) that reads my blog:

Don't you care how badly you are affecting those who care about you? If you do, what deal do you make with yourself to ignore how badly you are fucking with others?

When you use, does it obliterate any conscience or values you once knew?

What is it you tell yourself that makes the shit you do OK? The lies, manipulation, theft, etc...

These are genuine questions that I would honestly love to know the answers to because after decades of dealing with addicts, I remain completely at a loss to understand. 

I'm back and nothing has changed 2 months later

Hi everyone, anyone?

I haven't written in the past 2 months because I haven't really seen the point of doing so. My addicts continue to use and I continue to fret, struggle, cry, and detach. I have been using this as a combination of diary entries and more importantly, I had hoped to connect with others. This blog is no exception, I remain alone in my pain. Not a soul in the world gives a shit.

I am moving back towards bitterness, I am on antidepressants again and I have withdrawn again from everyone that I know.

I say fuck you world, fuck you addicts, fuck you to every dealer who ever sold even a speck of drugs.

Here's a quick recap of the drama my addicts have brought into my tiny little home in just the last 2 weeks:

Son brought a friend of his to spend the night while I was asleep - his friend OD'd!!! My son had to pound his chest, do mouth to mouth, throw water in his face and keep him awake for the next several hours while his breathing normalized. Yes, heroin suppresses the respiratory system and causes you to stop breathing.

Oh, did I mention that this happened on the same night that my husband decided to disappear and get drunk? Classy, huh?

Then, after days of talking about the urgency surrounding those events. how dangerous and frightening these events were and how easily that could have been our son, we decided to create a d-day event. Get help to stop using or leave. After hours of crying, fighting, discussing, my husband couldn't take it anymore and left for 15 minutes. He came back with a mickey of vodka and slammed it back. During that same time, my son went out and used.

There is no hope here, every single one of us is going to die from addiction and all of us at our own hands. My son from drugs, my husband I'm sure from some type of cancer or heart attack, and I will likely, eventually just die of a broken heart.

There is no use fighting it, it is bigger than my love, my hope or my resolve. Addiction wins everytime and this time is no exception.