Sunday, 24 March 2013

Who I am

My son returned late Friday night from seeing his girlfriend. I was mistaken about when they had the abortion, it was in fact on Thursday. It would appear that my son is dealing with tremendous guilt, sadness, regret. He has over-informed himself with information and is feeling like he allowed her to murder their baby. He let all of this out, in waves of tears, completely wasted on heroin. I tried to listen, hold him and give him some advice on grief and acceptance.

Then, after he calmed down, just as my husband and I were going to leave to go to a movie, he flipped out weeping, hysterical and desperate to get some money to do something with his girlfriend. I can't even tell you how dramatic and tearful he was, and to me at least, it was clear that this reaction was drug fueled. He just wanted to get more drugs. Very sad, very desperate. I didn't give him the money and left for the movie, trying to not give in to the drama of the situation.

That detachment came back to bite me several hours later. I lost it on my husband, veiled in jealousy. Faking detachment doesn't always feel what you feel. It has become really, really apparent to me that I am suffering from a major depression. I am taking medication but it doesn't seem to be cutting it. I sleep for 8, 9, 10 hours a night and am still exhausted. I'm difficult and over sensitive. I am mistrustful, a tad paranoid, and never, ever joyful. I have no sex drive, I just want to be alone, I am having some memory issues too. Oh, and I have this phantom pain in my back. There is no real cause for it, I didn't injure myself but it is painful and present all the time. Sounds like clinical depression to me. I am so angry at myself for not being able to get a handle on my emotions.

Fuck, I really suck at life and being the hero that this situation calls for. What a total failure I am as a wife, mother and person. I am really just a waste of air and skin. I add nothing positive, I am simply a co-dependent enabler. I have done nothing to make this world a better place.

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