Sunday, 13 January 2013

Morals and values

I am thinking about the shape my life has taken and the way I stand firm to my values, my needs, my desires. All my adult life I have struggled to hold firm to a set of moral codes, values in which life makes sense to me. The older I get, the more I realize that my values are only mine...they aren't more "right" or "better" or "make more sense" than the values of others. They are just mine and they have been borne of necessity because mind needed to create some set of rules that could never be broken.

These values of mine work very well some times and other times they appear rigid and incapable of any growth or flexibility. I believe that when certain traumas happened to me as a child, I realized that there was nobody who was going to really look after me in the way that I felt I deserved or wanted. There didn't seem to be any rule of family or life that couldn't be broken to meet someone else's wants or needs. This has shaped who I am and how ferocious I am about protecting a particular way of life.

My husband and I have fought for years and years about how I see everything in such black and white terms, a certain action or decision is finitely right or wrong. He likes the shades of grey in it all, I think its that way because it gives him permission to follow his wants. I, on the other hand, believe in some higher moral code that imposes suffering, and denies desire and want. I sound religious yet I am not. I can't let go, I am so afraid to go to / live in the grey areas of human existence.

I am frustrated, impatient, always driven to fortify those walls and values. It doesn't work yet the thrust to strive for it is as automatic as my heart beat.

morals  plural of mor·al (Noun)

  1. A lesson, esp. one concerning what is right or prudent, that can be derived from a story, a piece of information, or an experience.
  2. A person's standards of behavior or beliefs concerning what is and is not acceptable for them to do.

Saturday, 5 January 2013

Psycological F-you's

I am having a really hard time again. My husband relapsed and my son never stopped. My husband is actively enabling our son, giving him money when he asks for it. Secretly I believe they need each other to stay sick so that they have company in their misery. At this moment, I feel like I hate them both. I feel so unsafe, disrespected, I am wrestling with why I expect them to change...really, it is me who needs to change.

I am in this endless cycle of bitching and whining about their need to change, then I bitch and whine about my bitching and is such a useless way of thinking. I am in this self-victimization mind-set again...poor me, why me, what's wrong with them, why don't they stop, blah, blah, blah. Really, if you think about it, they don't have a problem with how they live, it is me who has the problem with it. We don't really have any right to ask others to change for us, we only have the right to impose that on ourselves. If I don't like living with addicts, then I should move on. There is no law that says they need to change for me, I certainly won't change for them.

I am behaving really pettily, outright hostile, rejecting them both completely. I don't like this side of myself but it's my psychological punishment to them both I guess. I must get something out of this type of behaviour, maybe it is because it eventually bullies them in to telling me what I want to hear and thus, they are stuck with making promises they never wanted to make in the first place. It is a delusional self-fulfilling cycle that never ever ends well.

I have to get back on track, I feel like I have relapsed. I will eat well, go to the gym today and do something I enjoy. I will work towards some kind of joy and mental health today. 

Thursday, 3 January 2013

One day at a time

Happy New Year readers!

My son was away for a few days, what a break...needed him and his addiction to be out of my face for a short time. He came home yesterday and was high and annoying within a few hours.

I mentioned a few days ago that I was letting myself out of "jail"and I'm off to a great start. I have eaten well for 4 days, been to the gym twice, not allowed myself to obsesses over other people's addictions. I have felt good and empowered...I feel in charge of my own happiness but I do need to do something to manage anxiety though. I tend to have anxiety issues to start with but dealing with things over the past few years has caused it to get worse. I get obsessive in my thinking, I have panic attacks (I hide them), I overreact to to situations, I get paranoid about my addicts, my bosses, my friends....always waiting for the proverbial "other shoe to drop". I am going to give exercise a chance to work on my mental health, but I must attack this aspect of my personality head-on if that doesn't alleviate the symptoms. I think anxiety is a root issue for me.

Since I learned of my son's addiction, these are the negative effects it has had on my life:

I gained 25 lbs in 1 year
The bond with my son is broken, I look at him and feel differently about him but not in a good way
I don't trust anybody, I mean that very seriously
I am constantly paranoid about my belongings being stolen
I have battled with anger in my heart (having some good results with this blog - this outlet helps me a lot)
I have cut off contact with every friend I ever had
I don't believe in happy endings anymore - I have a general feeling of hopelesness

I once saw on an episode of Intervention an addiction counselor tell a family that if they were waiting for their "addict" to give them peace, they were out of their minds. I am trying to take this advice to heart and find it myself. I  hope this journey helps me. I hope I stop relying on others to tell me how I am going to feel today. 

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