Another effing setback...

Part 2 from yesterday's post.

Man...I am so so sick of myself!

I took my time getting home, played some chill music on my ipod on my way home to get myself in a good headspace, walked in the door and BAM!!! I am greeted by a junkie jonesing and an alcoholic half in the bag. Still, I tried really really hard to keep my composure...but I was doomed to fail.

My husband kept taunting me, my son pacing, I could feel my tension begin to build. I took an atavan and tried to stay calm...but I wasn't successful. I flipped out a bit and then took off for a breather so I didn't flip out even more. While I was out, I made the mistake of answering my phone. It was my husband egging me on, creating drama, telling me he had my son's dealer coming to our home to confront him. Seriously? He's half in the bag and he thinks this is the best way to solve the "issue at hand"? I became quite concerned that my husbands half-witted attempts to set this guy straight would result in our son being in serious harms way...you don't know who these dealers are? At minimum they aren't reasonable or safe people.

I raced home and threw money at my son and said just get it over with...go get high. Then I threw money at my husband and told him to go away, go to a bar, just get out...Only my son left, my husband just did a berr run and came back to torment me.What a fucked up way to solve a problem. I am such a mental case.

I barely slept from anger, stress and anxiety. Before I left this morning for work I left them a shared note. I said I was leaving them both this weekend if this house didn't sober up. I think it's time. I'm in danger of hurting myself if I stay in those circumstances. I had thoughts of suicide again last night, I was contemplating what a box cutter might feel like if I dragged it across my throat...screwed up thinking, right?

I might just need to do what I said...just go away. I need a hero and the only one looking at me is me...so maybe I have to be my own hero?  There is no prince charming, there is nobody coming to rescue me, there is no "high road". There's just choices and it all comes down to making one.