Wednesday, 10 October 2012
Heroin, tow trucks and anger
So, if you read my bio, you'll know that this is a place to talk about, vent and get honest about the realities of living with the addicted. I promise to be brutally honest to accomplish two things: First and foremost, to be real in at least one place in this world; secondly to say the weird and painful things that I can't seem to find in any public resource anywhere. I don't enjoy the on-line Al-Anon meetings, nor the chat sites because they seem to get "stuck" really easily on their subjects, thought processes, and most of them really forget how hard it is for those still really suffering and feeling raw.
I will start with talking about my son...it is most acute for me right now. My son is 22 years old and he has been addicted to injecting heroin for the past year. This has got to be the most painful, depressing and bizarre year of my life. He might have been addicted to opiates prior to the past year but I know he started using the drug intravenously since last fall. This has changed who my son is on every level possible. He has lost at least 15 lbs, he lies non-stop, he has stolen everything of value in our home that is sellable on craigslist. As of August this year, I stopped giving him gifts. Every single thing I have given him of value has been sold. This includes a watch, a hoodie, a jacket for the fall, an xbox, you name it...it's liquid cash to him. I don't know if he cares that he is / has done these things...I ache for signs of life in him. That he isn't the concience-less junkie that he appears to be. He's also really stealth about his use. Last February he admitted everything to us and asked for our help to get him off heroin. He wouldn't go into residential treatment but he went on methadone, saw a doctor every week and kept talking...all of a sudden he slipped about 4 or 5 weeks into it. I have been in a war with him ever since. Some days I'm the worst mother in the world, some days I'm really understanding. I'm cruel and kind, I am addicted to keeping tabs on the addict. I have no idea why or what purpose it serves. One day, about two months ago I said the worst thing in the world to him...I told him he should just jump off a ferry and kill himself because this protracted suicide mission of injecting street heroin is going to accomplish the same thing. How terrible of a thing is that to say to your own child? I was just sooooo angry at him about his addiction at the time that I had lost my filter. Anger has become a very big problem for me over the past 2 years.
This past Friday night my anger and frustration peaked in a way that scared me. There was this tow truck that was trying to tow my car away from a visitor's parking spot and my son alerted me to this. I jumped out of bed and ran to stop him...I completely lost it on this stranger. I created such a spectacle in the middle of the street, with my screaming and profanity at this jerky tow truck driver. I said things to him that I had no business saying, I was shaking, crying and has moments of black-out. It took me 2 hours to calm myself after torrential tears. I realized at that moment that I am not OK anymore. I am back at counselling...I had stopped about 6 months ago, feeling as though I had a handle on rational thinking. Clearly I am / was wrong.
Well, that's it for my first blog. Thank you for spending some time with me, please feel free to post your comments. Good, bad or ugly, I'm open for discussion.
Hugs and love,