Wednesday, 24 October 2012

"Absolute" bullshit

I have been talking about my husband for the past few posts. I have really been trying to enjoy the progress  he has been making, working on my own "stuff", doing my best to be mindful. So much for my effort, he fell off the wagon again today. He made it 28 days this time.

He receives a small monthly payment, barely enough to cover half the rent we pay. That's all the income he brings in. I work full time and pay for the rest for him, our son and myself. All those daily costs like fuel, car payments, food, a tiny bit of entertainment, more than half the rent, parking, public transportation, cigarettes, etc...When the proverbial "shit hit the fan" 28 days ago, he blew his entire monthly stipend on a 2 day alcohol and cocaine binge. He left us in such financial straights that I had to do some sketchy things just to make rent. It was awful and I warned him that if he didn't get his affairs in order, take care of his drinking issues, he would have to leave. I dropped him off at the emergency room at the hospital and he waited 7  hours to see a psychiatrist and to start his "recovery". He had been going to AA, being honest, trying to work on some of his issues, and progress seemed to be happening.

Today he was expected to get his monthly payment and today is the day he fell off the wagon. I'm so pissed. He also apparently called his mother (whom he  hadn't spoken to in almost 2 months) and just lost it with her. He said terrible things.

My son is still using, just getting smarter at hiding it, and here we all are again...same place we started. Fuck I hate my life and I really fucking hate living with addicts. It really is all "absolute bullshit".

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