Wednesday, 17 October 2012

Chasing Trust, Bracing for Disappointment

I have been working on managing my feelings, being calmer and trusting just a little bit. It is tremendously difficult for me.

I feel like I have been living my life in a state of perpetual tension. Most days, around noon, I have called home to see if there is any drama, drunkenness or worse...I call this "bracing for the hit". It isn't a physical hit, but it is most certainly a massive mental and emotional punch. It allows me time to figure out who I am going to be for the rest of the day...Isn't that just the most bizarre statement. Getting the addicts to tell me who I am going to be for the rest of the day?!?!

What I mean by this is that I have felt the need to figure how what kind of person to be for the next 24 hours. Am I going to avoid going home? Do I need to be extra careful not to have any cash on me? Do I need to plan on steeling my feelings and emotions to not feel the hurt of the insults that may come at me when I walk into the house? Most often my husband has been verbally abusive, dramatic and intimidating after a few drinks. Is the pressure going to build up in me? Am I going to have to avoid answering my phone as the repeated calls come in demanding money? many questions and thoughts will run through my head almost instantaneously. It takes so much effort and I have to do it all while pretending to be a perfectly normal person who has a perfectly normal household.

My husband has now been sober about 19 days and most of those days have been wonderful, yet every day I make the same call and brace for it. I really want to feel hope, trust and just know in my heart that it is going be a good day but I am never really sure. Right now I haven't been able to reach him and I'm already experiencing intense fear, anxiety and concern. Is this reasonable or is it pessimistic?  Will there ever be a day that I don't care if he's drunk or not, and that I will be the same person when I go to sleep at as I was when I woke up in the morning?

I wonder if I will ever be free from fear and worry, I wonder if I will ever stop trying to control the uncontrollable?

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