Monday, 5 November 2012

Will I ever break the cycle of crazy in my home

Well, I owe you a quick recap of the last several days.

Last post my husband had "gotten loaded" again, I locked him out for 3 days. I finally let him back in, feeling terrible for him because he had slept in a garage (so he says) and was starving, wet, and desperate. My terms are take your Revia, go to meetings - those are the two conditions of him being permitted to stay in my home. Yes, I call it my home because I pay for every single bit of it. I pay the rent, the utilities, the car, the food, any small amount of entertainment, cigarettes, you name it...nobody else contributes a dime.

My son had been away with his girlfriend for what was supposed to be 5 days, he came back 10 days later. Skulked in last night, not apologizing for not talking to us for days.

We all erupted, a terrible argument broke out last night at about 9:30pm and we all said terrible things. I just hate it...I was awful, my husband was awful, our son was awful...we are so terribly dysfunctional.

We are hurting him so much. We won't let go of anything, we attack him for not being part of our family, we criticize him for not being honest, etc...is it any wonder? I desperately want him to leave home so we just stop  hurting him!

Better yet, I want to just run away so I stop being angry at them for being what they are...I'm an awful mother, awful wife, awful person in general. I'm so cruel and yet that is the last thing I ever wanted to be. Fuck, how do I fix myself!!!


cru·el/ˈkro͞oəl/

Adjective:
  1. Causing pain or suffering: "I can't stand people who are cruel to animals".
  2. Having or showing a sadistic disregard for the pain or suffering of others.

Synonyms:
brutal - merciless - ruthless - ferocious - savage

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