Seven days, seems like so little time yet so much has happened. I haven't seen or heard from my son since I caught him using. I emailed him, his dad called him, no response. He's gone, for now at least.
Sadly, we seem to do better at home when he is gone. My husband finally got a job and continues to practice his recovery. He is being strong, humble, open. I like this version of my husband very much, in fact this is what the husband of my dreams looks like. He doesn't make much money, but he's doing the best he can every day. He is happy to see me and he walks with his head high. I deeply love this man, I hope very much he sticks around for the long haul.
We decided together, since recovery and sobriety is so important for this family, that our son cannot come home unless he agrees to some new rules. We are both working on our own lists but so far here is what we have come up with. We need to be united, committed and ready for this very difficult conversation if it should come. We have realized that heroin isn't the problem, our son just uses heroin as the solution to his problems. The problems are rooted in how he is feeling and he needs to address it if he wants to live in this home.
New House Rules For Our Son
1. You must actively participate in some form of recovery, at least 2 times a week. This can include N/A, Methadone, Counselling, etc, but it must be two things.You must also be able to prove your participation.
2. Must not use drugs and be willing to prove abstinence - this means drug testing either at home or by a Doctor. Random testing will occur.
3. Must not steal or sell items that are given to you or belong to someone else.
4. Must be working toward full time employment and be willing to contribute financially to own expenses even when working part time. This means you take care of your own daily expenses like bus fare, social life, etc. We will be providing you with only housing, food, health care, clothing.
5. Must take personal responsibility for own laundry, and commit to weekly room cleaning including wash bedding, dust and vacuum bedroom, wipe surfaces.
6. No smoking indoors.
7. If you break any part of rule 1, 2, 3, you are evicted. No negotiations.
The reason we came up with these house rules is two fold. One, our son really needs a reason to address recovery and we hope that the potential consequence of being homeless gives him the reality check and push he needs. We also believe that he needs to learn to be a man, and by being a man we mean self-responsibility and accountability. The second part of the reason is to restore some sanity in our home. Why would I require sobriety of my husband and not my son? We all deserve a safe place to go at the end of the day. I don't know any other way of achieving this other than to either require sobriety in the house or to go our separate ways until sobriety is an option for the addict.
I packed his room up, it isn't the same place anymore. His old life here is gone, he just doesn't know it yet.
I will let you all know if and when I get the chance to tell our son about this...but for now, it's just a list, on a blog, a plan.