Feels like I have grown so much on the inside, yet most of my problems are still exactly the same. yet come full circle in the past few weeks...sigh.
When I started this blog 2 months ago, I used it as a way to express my frustration, be open and honest with what I am experiencing in my life and also as a mechanism to expel my inner sadness, rage and other unattractive emotions. I have made huge progress and haven't lost my temper since the day I wrote my first blog, I'm grateful for this anger antidote.
Two posts ago, I was very focused on creating and keeping healthy boundaries when dealing with my addicted son. He was out for over 2 weeks. I was feeling so strong, so clear, that I even followed through on sending him to a shelter one night to demonstrate that using and living at home are not compatible. Then...my husband caved and I didn't stand up for my boundaries, rules and we are literally back at square one with our son.
My son left his FB logged in and I read everything...I know, it's low but you can't imagine how crazy you feel when living with and listening to an addict's lies. You feel like a horrible mother for not believing him? Are you are horrible mother for refusing to give money? Well, after I read I can see that we weren't crazy, he is actually out using right now...like literally, right now!!! I learned a new word for heroin - skag - and I found out that needles are called rigs.My husband has this romantic and fatherly desire to believe that he is getting better, that he is not using, that he isn't lying or conning. I can't even tell you how wrong he is. I also found out that our son was using every single day just before we kicked him out. It's that bad again...my head knows my son is an addict but every time I find proof like this, it feels like I'm just learning the truth all over again for the first time.It breaks my heart into a million pieces.
So, as much as I work on my inside, it doesn't seem to affect the world on the outside. You know that expression "Be the change you want to see in the world", doesn't even apply a bit...but I'm not giving up. Back to writing my Christmas shopping list, trying to figure out what to give the addict who sells everything...I'm just not willing to bankroll this suicide mission. I have come up with my own street name for heroin, it's called The Grinch...because he stole last Christmas from us and he's stealing this one too.