I am so relieved that Christmas is over, it is so stressful and tense for me. As a codependent control freak, I literally take responsibility for orchestrating everything in such a way that my addicts can't wiggle (figuratively). I plan about 36 hours of "stuff" to do with everyone involved and I don't give anybody an option not to participate. By the end of the 36 hours, that has actually taken me 2 weeks to plan, I melt...it is truly exhausting managing addicts. I have such an ego or something that I think I can outsmart the effect that heroin or alcohol has on the addicts. Sure...
Christmas in our house was "successful" if there is such a thing. No fights, no using that I could discern, everybody got everything they wanted, and now things have gone back to normal. A new year is waiting for us all and in 2 days it is the one year anniversary of finding out my son was an IV heroin addict. My husband is remaining sober (for now) and I'm still terrified of everything. I have begun scanning craigslist to see if my son has started to sell off his gifts, I'm hyper managing money to not allow my husband any options about buying alcohol. To nobody's surprise, I'm pretty sure it's already sold...probably as of yesterday. I can see by his online activity that he's in his obsession. Many, many clicks on Opiophile. I guess he's getting ready to tie one on. I hope he doesn't kill himself. It's quite a way to live...I have put all the responsibility on myself to ensure my addicts stay in line. Am I insane or what? Who has the compulsive nature really?
I am ashamed of myself, I am so sick of myself and I am totally deluding myself. I really, really need to change. I need to move out of this stage of change contemplation and into action...and actually stick with it.
Please, if there is anybody out there who is an addicts reading this, can you tell me what has or would have made a difference in your life to help you decide to get clean, or think about getting clean or at least something that we shouldn't be doing.. Please write me or comment on here...I would love to hear what works and what doesn't. Or, maybe suggest some blogs to follow? Help me help my son.
I have started to look for other young addicted people's blogs to see if I can gain some type of understanding, insight, get some magnificent "ah ha!" moment to feel closer to my son, understand him and gain some empathy. I found an interesting one today, a young woman at university. http://lifesexperiencesandinspiringmoments.blogspot.ca/