What I am discovering

I reread all my blog posts, and had a good cry. I have been contemplating suicide over the past week, mostly thinking of fast, quick ways to die that don't leave a mess. I was thinking a lot about hanging myself off our balcony. My mind and heart have gotten so sick and desperate.  Last night s I tried to identify what I am feeling, what are the root feelings. I came to a few conclusions.

1. I really can't stand who I've become. Bitter, sad, suspicious, angry, desperate, controlling.
2. I feel very very alone, yet off my balcony last night I saw a whole family trying to intervene on a crack addicted daughter in our building. I wanted to run down to that mother and tell her I understand...she isn't alone. 
3. I live in a constant state of fear, about everything. 
4. While it is not my fault what has happened, I must change drastically or I am just simply part of the problem. Life must go on. I can't keep waiting for someone to "choose me".

I made myself a promise today - I promised I would go to an Al Anon meeting again. I need friends and a community to feel warmth, love and safety. I know they can give me that and I need help coming up with a strategy to get better. So off I went at 9am this morning, and I'm so glad I did. I really liked that group. Today the topic was step 4.

Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

As people in the group did their readings and shared a little, tears just quietly streamed down my face as they talked about loving myself, being kind to myself and finding loving detachment  from my addicts. I realized at that moment how ashamed I am of how I have been acting. I have been so cruel and controlling and judgmental. I have shamed and isolated and blamed them for everything I feel and do. I have taken no responsibility for myself or my actions.  I'm not at step 4 but I sure need to get there, and to get there, I need to get a handle on step 1 - We admitted we were powerless over addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable. I am there...I am powerless. 

I then looked up a daily meditation for AA and it was as if it was meant for me, today of all days. It is one of those areas that I have experienced constantly...and it was certainly very relative to step 4.

DISLOYALTY

I have a history of chaotic relationships filled with destructive drama and a lack of loyalty. For many years, however, I believed that I was in fact a very loyal friend – and that it was my friends who were disloyal to me.

I was an avid -- even rabid -- people-pleaser. I drove myself crazy trying to figure out what people wanted and how I could best provide that for them. Because I thought I knew what was best for everybody, I failed to truly listen to the people in my life. Instead, I tried to impose my will upon them…then I wondered why they didn’t appreciate all of my efforts on “their” behalf. When they inevitably became frustrated with me, I was wounded by what I perceived to be their lack of loyalty to me.

Only recently in my recovery program have I come to learn that my efforts at people-pleasing were actually symptoms of my own disloyalty. I was failing to relate with people as they are – rather I was relating to them as I thought they “should be”. That is perhaps the most egregious form of disloyalty…insisting that others be loyal to my concept of them and myself.

Now I am taking steps to honestly listen to people and to relate with them as they are – and as I truly am. I am no longer hiding behind food. In order to be loyal in my relationships, I must be loyal to the ‘Truth of Reality.’ Only then can we share the joy of faithful relationships.

One day at a time ... I will practice listening to the people in my life and I will honor them as they are. Each day I can choose to be loyal, rather than critical or people-pleasing.

 Just by going to Al Anon, today was a better today. I know I am going to struggle with the God thing, but there is a greater purpose and they have what I want - peace, love and some order to their minds. I don't feel suicidal today.