Sunday, 25 November 2012

Following my own footsteps

I tend not to blog much about my adult daughter, maybe it is my own way of cherishing and protecting this incredibly precious relationship that I have with her. Regardless, she means the world to me. She isn't perfect, she's bossy, outspoken, a very judgmental young woman but she's also just incredible. You would agree if you met her too. To me, she is beautiful, incredibly passionate about everything, creative, warm and loving, and best of all, she's my daughter.

She has been deeply hurt by by her father's addiction and her brother's addiction. She moved out about a year and half ago at 18 years old. She moved out because we couldn't stop her brother from literally "breaking into" her bedroom (we changed the handle to a locking handle, then that didn't keep him out,  padlocked it and he would slip into it when she was in the shower) where he stole and sold everything of value she owned over a 6-9 month period. We didn't yet know that our son was addicted to anything...My husband was still in his binge drinking phase, sometimes worse than others. He would verbally abuse us all every few days when he would drink. I don't blame her for leaving, but did it ever break my  heart. It was perfectly apparent at that moment that I couldn't "manage" what was happening in our house, I couldn't protect her and she wanted out. She wanted peace, to feel safe. I had let her down in the most basic way.

We have worked on our relationship a lot over the past 18 months. We are closer than we have ever been, we tread lightly on topics that are dead end, we enjoy each other very much. In the summer time she moved in with her boyfriend. While I didn't like him all that much for over a year, I pushed myself to accept him, to appreciate that he is kind to her and that she cares deeply for him. I have welcomed him into our family.

My daughter called me this morning and was very frustrated with her boyfriend. Actually, over the past few months, she has expressed a  growing sense of frustration with how living together has changed the biology of their relationship, that she has to be the adult, that he doesn't readily talk about his feelings, etc...Normal stuff and I just try to offer support. I don't judge and I don't meddle. Today she told me how whenever they go out to a bar, pub, etc...he drinks too much, embarrasses her, speaks obnoxiously, and spends much more money than they can afford. She says she doesn't enjoy when he drinks and that he never seems to stop drinking when it makes sense.

Pow! I felt like I had been punched in the stomach because the dialogue was so familiar to me. She is telling my story of what it was like in my early years with her father...I kept my composure, offered some advice, listened compassionately, all the while feeling a growing ache in my stomach that she is heading down the exact same road that I went down 23 years ago. My inside voice wanted to scream "RUN FOR THE HILLS, LEAVE HIM IMMEDIATELY, IT ONLY GETS WORSE!!!!". But, I didn't. This is her story, her life and all I can do is be there with open arms and ears when she needs me. Her story, hopefully, will have a different ending. I doubt her boyfriend will change, but I do hope she is much wiser than I was at her age. I hope she recognizes that you can't change anybody, that love doesn't conquer all and that unless she wants to marry her "father", she may want to choose a different path for herself.

My dear sweet daughter, I am so very sorry that I taught you how to tolerate untolerable behaviour. You deserve more, you never need to settle. I love you.

Saturday, 24 November 2012

One day at a time

Seven days, seems like so little time yet so much has happened. I haven't seen or heard from my son since I caught him using. I emailed him, his dad called him, no response. He's gone, for now at least.

Sadly, we seem to do better at home when he is gone. My husband finally got a job and continues to practice his recovery. He is being strong, humble, open. I like this version of my husband very much, in fact this is what the husband of my dreams looks like. He doesn't make much money, but he's doing the best he can every day. He is happy to see me and he walks with his head high. I deeply love this man, I hope very much he sticks around for the long haul.

We decided together, since recovery and sobriety is so important for this family, that our son cannot come home unless he agrees to some new rules. We are both working on our own lists but so far here is what we have come up with. We need to be united, committed and ready for this very difficult conversation if it should come. We have realized that heroin isn't the problem, our son just uses heroin as the solution to his problems. The problems are rooted in how he is feeling and he needs to address it if he wants to live in this home.

New House Rules For Our Son
1. You must actively participate in some form of recovery, at least 2 times a week. This can include N/A, Methadone, Counselling, etc, but it must be two things.You must also be able to prove your participation.
2. Must not use drugs and be willing to prove abstinence - this means drug testing either at home or by a Doctor. Random testing will occur.
3. Must not steal or sell items that are given to you or belong to someone else.
4. Must be working toward full time employment and be willing to contribute financially to own expenses even when working part time. This means you take care of your own daily expenses like bus fare, social life, etc. We will be providing you with only housing, food, health care, clothing.
5. Must take personal responsibility for own laundry, and commit to weekly room cleaning including wash bedding, dust and vacuum bedroom, wipe surfaces.
6. No smoking indoors.
7. If you break any part of rule 1, 2, 3, you are evicted. No negotiations. 

The reason we came up with these house rules is two fold. One, our son really needs a reason to address recovery and we hope that the potential consequence of being homeless gives him the reality check and push he needs. We also believe that he needs to learn to be a man, and by being a man we mean self-responsibility and accountability. The second part of the reason is to restore some sanity in our home. Why would I require sobriety of my husband and not my son? We all deserve a safe place to go at the end of the day. I don't know any other way of achieving this other than to either require sobriety in the house or to go our separate ways until sobriety is an option for the addict.

I packed his room up, it isn't the same place anymore. His old life here is gone, he just doesn't know it yet. 

I will let you all know if and when I get the chance to tell our son about this...but for now, it's just a list, on a blog, a plan.

Sunday, 18 November 2012

What is it about addicts...

I have had some better days lately, my husband finally got a job. I'm relieved. He has gone back on the wagon, trying very hard again. It is so hard to have faith in this difficult journey. However, as always, there is a bitter aftertaste to accompany some rare good news.

My son has gotten a lot more stealth about his heroin use. I deluded myself into thinking that he was maybe trying to not use. I was wrong.

He woke up this morning, went into the bathroom and made a phone call. Twenty minutes later he said he had to go to the store, I watched off my balcony...he never left the building but I saw the car I have suspected is dealing him heroin pull out of our visitor's parking. My son still didn't leave the building, and didn't return to our apartment. On a hunch, I went downstairs to the gym bathroom and found him using in the women's washroom, locked in stall. I saw the strap, the needle, the cup, the water holder, everything and begged him not to use. He literally just looked in my eyes and pretended I wasn't there. I told him I love him and that I would help him, he didn't need to live this way. He still wouldn't budge, show any emotion, I walked away.

My son is a sick young man, I miss him and I'm so scared for him. I am just broken hearted....he may very well die from this, and that may not take long.

Fuck........! What is it about addicts, even when someone is looking right at them using, they still deny.

Monday, 5 November 2012

Will I ever break the cycle of crazy in my home

Well, I owe you a quick recap of the last several days.

Last post my husband had "gotten loaded" again, I locked him out for 3 days. I finally let him back in, feeling terrible for him because he had slept in a garage (so he says) and was starving, wet, and desperate. My terms are take your Revia, go to meetings - those are the two conditions of him being permitted to stay in my home. Yes, I call it my home because I pay for every single bit of it. I pay the rent, the utilities, the car, the food, any small amount of entertainment, cigarettes, you name it...nobody else contributes a dime.

My son had been away with his girlfriend for what was supposed to be 5 days, he came back 10 days later. Skulked in last night, not apologizing for not talking to us for days.

We all erupted, a terrible argument broke out last night at about 9:30pm and we all said terrible things. I just hate it...I was awful, my husband was awful, our son was awful...we are so terribly dysfunctional.

We are hurting him so much. We won't let go of anything, we attack him for not being part of our family, we criticize him for not being honest, it any wonder? I desperately want him to leave home so we just stop  hurting him!

Better yet, I want to just run away so I stop being angry at them for being what they are...I'm an awful mother, awful wife, awful person in general. I'm so cruel and yet that is the last thing I ever wanted to be. Fuck, how do I fix myself!!!


  1. Causing pain or suffering: "I can't stand people who are cruel to animals".
  2. Having or showing a sadistic disregard for the pain or suffering of others.

brutal - merciless - ruthless - ferocious - savage

Thursday, 1 November 2012

It is interesting...

I have been awake all night again, feeling quite exhausted but I unable to sleep. I plan on getting dressed and leaving for work soon. More selfish antics over the last several days from my dear, sweet addicts. I will walk out that door and pretend I am just fucking great, playing the "normal" game at work, maybe chat with some friends, might even go out for lunch with the girls, I won't utter a word of truth, I will live to fake it another day.

Husband has disappeared again, took the car and drove away impaired. However, not before he called my son's girlfriend and harassed my son several times. Son left to visit his girlfriend who goes to school out of town for a few days and didn't hear from him for 5 days until last night. Such selfishness on both their parts, like father like son. Not a care or consideration for another human being in this world for the consequences of their "habit".

So, I blog, I wander the apartment all night, I stress, and on and on we go. What an awesome circle of dysfunction we live is really quite remarkable that 3 very intelligent, seemingly normal people all live in this alternative dimension of addiction, pain,  deception and not one of us will show our hand of cards, we'd all rather just live in the pain than change a single thing.

I recognize that I am as addicted to the addicts as they are to their drug / drink of choice. It really is interesting how I have become addicted too, to nothing pleasurable mind you, but addicted none the less.

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